Job
Jokes Blog
Job Hunting is serious business, but we all need
an occasional break...
That's why we have started this Job
Jokes Blog. Stop by occasionally to see a new job or job
search joke and have a quick laugh on us. Note that we claim
no authorship, ownership, nor copyrights on these jokes;
rather, we are just informally passing them along to you as we normally
would do "at the watercooler". By the way, if you have a
great job or job search related joke that you would like to see posted,
please send it to
sales@jrbmsoft.com.
New:
Computer & IT Jokes Blog! Click Here... /
Posted December 17, 2024 Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work
~
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain
false information.
~ The psychiatrist said it was an
excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't
bite things when I'm startled.Posted December 16, 2024 "This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!"
I apologized for the noise and checked him out.
A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.
"Terrible!"
They said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had
to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"Posted December 15, 2024 Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work
~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
~
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes,
could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank
you for calling.Posted December 14, 2024 One afternoon, a husband arrived home unexpectedly. He went up to the bedroom and opened the closet.
Inside was a man wearing just his underwear.
"Who are you?" the husband asked.
"I'm an exterminator," the man replied.
"What are you doing in there?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
"And why are you in your underwear?" the husband wanted to know.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little devils."Posted December 13, 2024 Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work
~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...Posted December 10, 2024 Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.
"I operated on Mr. Davis the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague.
"About $6,000."
"What did he have?"
"About $6,000." Posted December 9, 2024 A grandfather couldn't decide which jacket to buy for his granddaughter, so he asked the young salesman.
"If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend," the grandfather asked, "what would you get?"
"A bulletproof one," the salesman said. "I'm married." Posted December 1, 2024 A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "With your hand on my steak?"
"What?" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"Posted November 30, 2024 There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery.
The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."Posted November 27, 2024 A guy says, "Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking I'm getting smaller!"
The doctor replies, "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."
Posted November 26, 2024 It
was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close
quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a
sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing
through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever
smelled.
One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."
A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."Posted November 25, 2024 About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip.
Once
we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear
them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other
passengers get some sleep.
No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked.
I
picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is
the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come
back there!"Posted November 23, 2024 A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist.
He
finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the
Delaware River and surprise them when they least expect it."
As
soon as the patient is gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and
says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."Posted November 21, 2024 Jack
Warner, the movie producer and co-founder of Warner Brothers, was in
the habit of taking an afternoon nap in his office at Warner Brothers,
and it was an unwritten rule of the studios that he should not be
disturbed.
On one occasion, however, Bette Davis burst into
the office while Warner was asleep and began ranting about a script
that did not meet her approval.
Without opening his eyes,
Warner reached for the phone and called his secretary. "Come in and
wake me up," he said. "I'm having a nightmare."
Miss Davis could not help laughing, and the crisis over the script was resolved in a few minutes.Posted November 18, 2024 A guy walks into a restaurant with a small dog. The waiter says, "Sir, I'm very sorry, but we don't allow dogs in here."
The guy replies, "But this isn't just any dog ... this dog can play the piano!"
The waiter responds, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay ... and have a meal on the house!"
So
the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing.
Ragtime, Mozart ... and the waiter and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.
The waiter asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy says, "Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor."Posted November 17, 2024 After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "its three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.
"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, the fools jump."Posted November 14, 2024 An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.
He took the car out for a test drive and made two turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.
Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."Posted November 11, 2024 "I came in to make an appointment with the dentist," said the man to the receptionist.
"I'm sorry sir," she replied. "He's out right now, but..."
"Thank you," interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again?"Posted November 10, 2024 The
Manhattan Commuter train was packed with workers going to their
jobs. Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor. Most necks
were craned. One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked
something up. He then asked, "Did anyone drop a half dollar?"
"I did," answered three men at once.
"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."Posted November 7, 2024 A man walks into a restaurant with a pie on his head.
Waiter: "Why are you wearing a pie on your head?"
Man: "It's a family tradition. We always wear pies on our heads on Wednesday."
Waiter: "But today is Tuesday."
Man: "Oh, damn it! I must look like a total idiot."Posted November 5, 2024 A
cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his
congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my
voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed
and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the
room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did
you do with the money?"Posted November 4, 2024 An
angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive
battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbled
to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery, you said it
would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only
six months!"
"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."Posted November 3, 2024 Murphy
was selling his house and put the matter in a real estate agent's
hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made
wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and
asked, "Have I got all you say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ... why do you ask?"
Murphy replied, "Cancel the sale ... it's too good to part with!"Posted October 28, 2024 A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work.
When confronted by his boss, the man explained: "You can't park anywhere near this place!"Posted October 27, 2024 A
retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd
try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he
knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
Posted October 24, 2024 I
had just gotten my first retail job and a grandmother was pushing her
grandchild around the WalMart in a buggy. Each time she put something
in the basket, she would say, "And here is something for you, Diploma,"
or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma," and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who had heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to college and this is what she brought home!"Posted October 22, 2024 I
was working in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a
woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on
time. "Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge.
"No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."Posted October 20, 2024 The
school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a
prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean, much impressed.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."Posted October 19, 2024 A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.
The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."
Posted October 18, 2024 A
sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about
3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.
The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link
on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.
Just
then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird
to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle,
giving the bird a toss.
The bird left, only to return and
light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the
same routine all over again, with the same result.
He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
"What
on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than
when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked
the chief.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
Posted October 15, 2024 A
livestock truck overturned in my town. A TV reporter was doing the
broadcast and stated, "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into the nearby
woods."
After the commercial break, the reporter corrected himself, "About that overturned truck, make those Black Angus cattle."Posted October 13, 2024 There was a ventriloquist who had no work for six months. He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.
The
agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a
psychic I could get you plenty of work." So this ventriloquist went
home and hung out a psychic sign.
An hour later a woman knocks on the door: "I want to talk to my deceased husband--how much will it cost?"
The
ventriloquist says, "If you talk to him, $50; if he talks to you, $100;
and if you talk to each other while I'm drinking coffee, that's $200."
Posted October 12, 2024 A
man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of
laryngitis, but being a dedicated employee, he went to work.
The
boss felt rather sorry for the worker and didn't want him to do any
physical labor, as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says,
"Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going
through the construction?"
The worker is glad for the easy
day. He stops the first vehicle: "Sir," he whispers, his throat feeling
worse, "please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead."
"Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake them."Posted October 10, 2024 I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that were too tight.
"Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.
"Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings." Posted October 8, 2024 As an aspiring attorney, I was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students:
"Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?"
After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand.
"This
may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was little, after my
brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a
drawer."
Posted October 7, 2024 A
Shaolin monk, a great philosopher and a minister were walking down a
country road and came upon a young farm boy. At that moment the four of
them looked up to see a chicken crossing the road.
The question arose, why does the chicken cross the road?
The Shaolin monk said it's the destiny of the chicken to seek its own path.
The great philosopher said its action teaches a lesson in the ways of nature much like life itself.
The minister said it's because it follows the plan of our Maker under His divine rule.
Just then the young farm boy spoke up, "Actually, it's because I left the chicken coop door open."Posted October 5, 2024 An
old man is sitting at his table in the hotel dining room with a bowl of
soup in front of him. He calls the waiter over and asks him to taste
the soup.
"Is the soup too cold?" asks the waiter.
"Taste the soup," says the old man.
"Is it too salty?" asks the waiter.
"Taste the soup!" says the old man.
"Is there a fly in it?" asks the waiter.
"JUST TASTE THE DARN SOUP WILL YA!" the old man insists.
The waiter looks down: "OK then...Where is the spoon?"
The old man exclaims, "Aha!"Posted October 3, 2024 My
co-worker took her teenage daughter to a new doctor for a checkup. the
nurse asked the usual questions, including if she had an STD.
"No," said the teen. "We have a Toyota."Posted September 30, 2024 In
a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car
and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one
was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At
the trial, the crossing guard insisted that he had given the driver
ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute.
He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court
believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the guard when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"
Posted September 29, 2024 A
man told his coworker at lunch one day: "After 12 years of therapy my
psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No
hablo ingles.'"Posted September 27, 2024 A woodcutter starts a new job. He goes out the first day and cuts down ten trees. Profitable and productive - excellent.
Over the next few days, he finds he is only getting six trees cut in spite of sawing harder and working longer.
An older woodcutter comes up to him and says, "You need to sharpen your saw."
To which he replies, "I don't have time for that, I've got all these trees to cut!" Posted September 23, 2024 Q. Why did the professional baseball player practice milking cows?
A. Because he heard he was being sent to the farm team.Posted September 22, 2024 Lori,
the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist
in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me." she
pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young
doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I
feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO !!!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."Posted September 20, 2024 A
father worked as an accountant for the Air National Guard. Despite a
regular, adequate income, he had a "poor" mindset, always unhappy about
money matter,s and very vocal about it.
One year at an air
show, in a crowd of many close-by people, his daughter looked up at him
and said, "Dad, what do you do out here?"
He answered with a smile, "I pay the bills."
She
looked at him in obvious dismay, looked around, looked back at him, and
announced (to the delight of all around), "No wonder we're so poor!"Posted September 18, 2024 Q: What is a professional boxer's favorite drink?
A: Punch.
Posted September 17, 2024 The
Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the New York Supreme
Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post
Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
and Thou Shall Not Lie
in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.Posted September 15, 2024 Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Posted September 13, 2024 One
day my son's fourth-grade class went on a field trip to the Woods Hole,
MA Coast Guard station. As a young ensign guided the spirited nine and
ten-year-olds on the tour, a fellow guardsman came up, slapped the
ensign on the back, and said, "I see they finally gave you your own
command."Posted September 12, 2024 The
company personnel department had carefully interviewed thirty-eight
people for the job of assistant to the financial director.
The
chief executive thought that one candidate, Charles, seemed ideal. Not
only was he a qualified accountant, but Charles also had a master's
degree in business administration. He seemed fully aware of the latest
creative accountancy techniques.
"Charles," said the chief
executive, "we've decided to offer you the job. And as you're so well
qualified, we've decided to start you off on a slightly higher salary
than the one advertised. We'll pay you $84,000 a year."
"Thank you," replied Charles. "But how much is that per month?"Posted September 10, 2024 A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.
"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."
He
climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and
finally his fall slows. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again.
Finally, he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.
The impresario says, "Is that all you've got? Bird impressions?"Posted September 8, 2024 How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to put it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Posted September 6, 2024 Customer: "Excuse me, but are you looking to hire any help at present?"
Manager: "No, we already have all the staff we need."
Customer: "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"Posted September 5, 2024 A
young man wants to go into law enforcement, is an avid listener to the
city's police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time.
One morning while making his bed, he heard the dispatcher say,
"Car 34, there is a 17-foot boa constrictor in someone's front yard. The resident wants a police officer to come and remove it."
There was a long pause, then some static.
Slowly, a voice said, "Uh ... We can't get the car started."Posted September 3, 2024 The
poor old clunker of a piano I had impulsively bought languished in a
corner of our living room for a year. "It's the piano or me!" my wife
finally declared.
So I called a junk man, whom I knew, to collect it the next day. When he didn't show, I phoned again.
"I've already got your piano on my truck," he claimed.
"Nope," I said, "it's still here."
It
turns out he had gone to a house on my street and asked the lady who
answered the door if she had a piano to go. She'd said yes. After we
talked, he took it back to her house, but she turned him away. She'd
wanted to get rid of her piano for years.Posted September 1, 2024 A
visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make
a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation
responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up
even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.
Finally,
the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen,
Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after
several more "Amen, Pharaoh's" he finally concluded his very lengthy
sermon.
After the service concluded and the congregation had
left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly
did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?"
His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"
Posted August 30, 2024 Q: Why did the Sheriff use a ruler when he questioned the witness?
A: He wanted to get the story straight.Posted August 29, 2024 A
man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the
trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go
there? It's crowded, dirty and loud. You're crazy to go to Rome. So,
how are you getting there?"
"We're taking XYZ Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"XYZ?"
exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,
they're always late and their flight attendants are unfriendly. So,
where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Hotel."
"That
dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the
service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get
there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's
rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to
see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy
trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It
was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of
XYZ's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to
first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a friendly
stewardess who waited on us hand and foot. And the hotel - it was
great! They'd just finished a huge remodeling job and now it's the
finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually,
we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped
me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet
some of the visitors, and if we'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait the pope would personally greet us. Sure enough,
five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"Posted August 26, 2024 Two
new work crews were putting in telephone poles. At the end of the day
the foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had done.
"12," was the reply. Then he asked the second crew and they said, "2."
"2?" shouted the foreman. "The others did 12!"
"Yeah," answered the leader of the second crew, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground."Posted August 25, 2024 Q: Why should you always guard your rear while you're in the hospital?
A: You're in enema territory. Posted August 23, 2024 Visitors to the zoo were surprised to see a cage labeled "Coexistence." Inside was a lion and some lambs.
One of the visitors asked the docent how this was possible.
"Oh, it's not so hard," he replied. "You just add a few lambs now and then."Posted August 20, 2024 Each
morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the
past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the
eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he
would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and
family man and didn't want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the
hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.
After
spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He
told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 25
years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.
"What should I do?" asked Jake.
The psychiatrist said, "Take Melrose Avenue."Posted August 18, 2024 A wise old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised for a certain price.
After
telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the
paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer
declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"
The salesman went on
to tell the farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering,
power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what took
the price up.
The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home.
A few months later, the salesman called the farmer and said, "My son needs a cow. Do you have any for sale?"
The farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece, come and look at them and take your pick."
The salesman said he and his son would be right out.
After
spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows,
the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check
for $500.
The farmer said, "Now wait a minute, that's not
the final price of the cow, you're getting extras with it and you have
to pay for that too."
"What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:
* BASIC COW - 500.00
* Two-tone exterior - 45.00
* Extra stomach - 75.00
* Product storing equipment - 60.00
* Straw compartment - 120.00
* Four spigots at 10.00 each - 40.00
* Leather upholstery - 125.00
* Dual horns - 45.00
* Automatic fly swatter - 38.00
* Fertilizer attachment - 185.00
Posted August 15, 2024 An
elderly lady phoned Verizon to report that her telephone failed to ring
when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did
ring, her pet dog always barked right before the phone rang.
The
telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked
in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The
phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog barked loudly and the
telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone
repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and then urinate on the ground.
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.Posted August 14, 2024 A woman holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks if she can use the store's baby scale.
"Sorry,
ma'am," says the Pharmacist. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can
figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the
adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the mother's
weight."
"Oh, that won't work," says the woman.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Well," she says, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."Posted August 12, 2024 A
priest is painting the outside of the church. He realizes he won't have
enough paint to complete the job unless he adds water, which he does.
When
he finishes, a freak rainstorm pops up and his handiwork is lost as all
the paint is washed off. From the clouds, a voice booms out: "Repaint,
and thin no more."Posted August 11, 2024 An
80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells him,
"You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you
might live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 80-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 80-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The
doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 80 years
old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?"
"Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 126 years old, and next week he is getting married for the first time."
The doctor said, "After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"Posted August 7, 2024 A
lawyer called his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in
her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order burial
or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both."Posted August 5, 2024 The zen master walks up to the hot dog vendor and says, "Could you make me one with everything?"
The vendor prepares the hot dog and hands it to the zen master.
The zen master gives the vendor a $20 bill and the hot dog vendor puts it in his cash drawer.
The zen master asks, "Where is my change?"
And the hot dog vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Posted August 3, 2024 A
woman walked into my aunt's animal shelter wanting to have her cat and
six kittens spayed and neutered. "Is the mother friendly?" my aunt
asked.
"Very," said the woman, casting an eye on the pet carriers. "That's how we got into this mess in the first place."Posted August 2, 2024 “My resume is just a list of things that I hope you never ask me to do.”Posted August 1, 2024 A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.
"Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T ?" she asked the instructor.
"
P-U-T-T is correct," he replied. " P-U-T means to place a thing where
you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing."Posted July 30, 2024 As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides.
The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?
The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"
"English and theater," I responded.
"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.
"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."
When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.Posted July 29, 2024 “I went to the bakery and told them I kneaded dough, so they gave me a job!”Posted July 26, 2024 A
guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad
news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and
incurable disease."
So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"
"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.
"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"
"Probably not.... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"
Posted July 24, 2024 A
member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an
honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice on the
blackboard in his classroom:
"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King Charles."
When he returned to the classroom in the afternoon he found written below his note:
"God save the King."Posted July 23, 2024 I
was recently hired as a church teacher and my Sunday school class of
kindergartners was studying the creation story. After several weeks, we
were ready to review.
"What did God make the first day?" I quizzed.
"The second day?" They answered both questions correctly. "And what happened on the third day?" I asked.
One little child, face shining with enthusiasm, exclaimed, "He rose from the dead!"Posted July 21, 2024 A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man 'not guilty'?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"Posted July 19, 2024 An
attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who
had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they
arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office.
"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?" Posted July 18, 2024 My daughter is an electrical officer on a carrier. Recently I asked her what her duties were. She answered, "To fix
electrical problems."
When I asked what was considered an electrical problem on a carrier, she replied, "Anything you can't fix with a hammer."Posted July 16, 2024 The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The
instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. Just pace yourself, make plenty of
stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to
go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for
you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"Would it be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"Posted July 15, 2024 A
salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused
you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well,
I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally
when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." One Sunday morning," he
continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when
the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,
'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"Posted July 13, 2024 My
son, Brendan, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and
takes his mobile phone along on the boat. One morning, we were drifting
about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.
Suddenly
his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the
spool. Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his
customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."Posted July 11, 2024 I
had sat down with my family after finishing my worship leading
responsibilities at my church. My son, an eight-year-old, who was just
learning to sit in "big church" was whispering to mommy. A few minutes
later, he had written something on a piece of paper and wadded it up to
hand to me.
I unwadded the paper and read the words, "Hi dad! Bye."
I looked at him and quietly asked him: "What is this?"
"It's a text message, Dad. Mom wouldn't let me use her phone."Posted July 7, 2024 The
doctor was reviewing, some results from a routine blood test with me
during my checkup, then he took my blood pressure. "Were you in a hurry
this morning?" he asked.
Contemplating the worst, I replied,
"No, as a matter of fact, I sat quietly in the waiting room, very
relaxed and reading. Why? Is my blood pressure off the scales?"
"No," replied the doctor,"your camisole is on inside out."Posted July 5, 2024 A
golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off when a salesman
runs up to him and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something
really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
Posted July 3, 2024 An
attorney called the governor just after midnight, insisting that he
talk to him urgently. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Jones has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
Replied the governor: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."Posted July 2, 2024 On admission to the nursing home where I worked, each new resident was interviewed by a social worker.
During one session, an alert, twinkling-eyed, 96-year-old man was asked, "Did you have a happy childhood?"
"So far, so good!" he replied.Posted July 1, 2024 Robbie never wanted to believe that his dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when Robbie got home, all the signs were there.Posted June 22, 2024 Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company.
Susan: "We had that barn insured and I want my money."
Agent:
"Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We
will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one
of comparable worth."
Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."Posted June 21, 2024 A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor.
Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."
Patient: "I want a second opinion!"
Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."Posted June 20, 2024 An
applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the
application form. He came to this question: "Do you favor the overthrow
of the United States government by force, subversion, or violence?"
Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, he checked "violence."Posted June 17, 2024 Tom's
wife wasn't very attractive, but then he was no oil painting, either.
After the wedding ceremony, Tom asked the pastor how much the cost was.
"Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife," replied the Reverend.
Tom looked at his wife, and handed the pastor $50.
The pastor looked at Tom's wife and gave him $45 change.Posted June 16, 2024 Office Manager: A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. Posted June 15, 2024 My
father was extremely nervous about his first funeral service as a Navy
chaplain, but the undertaker assured him that he would prompt him. All
went well until, at the close, the undertaker whispered to him to
instruct the family to come up and view the body.
"Will the family now come forward and pass around the bier," said my father. He cringed inwardly when he heard his own words.
Later, as my father was leaving, he overheard two of the cemetery workers talking. "I didn't get any beer," one said. "Did you?"
"You heard the chaplain," the other replied. "It was just for the family."Posted June 11, 2024 A
client recently brought her two cats in to my husband's veterinary
clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round
tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She
watched closely as I put each on the scale. "They weigh about the
same," I told her.
"That proves it!" she exclaimed. "Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat."Posted June 9, 2024 While redecorating my bathroom, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a particular model of toilet.
"We haven't got one here," said the clerk.
"Oh, no," I said crestfallen. His number had been the fourth one I'd called.
"Hang on," he added helpfully. "I'll contact our other outlets to see if there's anybody out there sitting on one."Posted June 7, 2024 A
handyman, who was working for a Synagogue, had asked for a raise and
was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.
First
he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there
he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was
Jesus born?"
The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out on his ear.
He
then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to
get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked,
"Where was Jesus born?"
The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was promptly tossed out.
Walking
away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed,
"The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately."
The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born?"
The rabbi says, "Bethlehem."
"Of course!" cried the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania."Posted June 5, 2024 Scanning the phone book for a garbage collection service, I came across one that clearly wasn't afraid to tackle any job.
Their ad read: "Residential hauling. All types of junk removed. No load too large or too small. Garages, basements, addicts."Posted June 3, 2024 The
lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to
law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his
father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he
rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I
broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"Posted June 2, 2024 During
his first rehearsal, the newly hired high school Music Director was
beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in
at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that
his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn't play it
as written. When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he
fired the young musician from the band, he replied,
"It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."Posted May 31, 2024 During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a newly hired patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When
the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the
big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, "Does your dog have a
license?"
"No," the man said, "He doesn't need one."
"Yes, he does," answered the officer.
"But," said the driver, "I always do all the driving."Posted May 28, 2024 My
father was the presiding judge in a case involving a man charged with
tax evasion. As the defendant stood before him alone, Dad asked if he
had counsel.
Looking toward the ceiling, the man replied, "Jesus Christ is my counselor and defender."
My father nodded slowly while framing his next question, which was, "Do you have local counsel?"Posted May 27, 2024 In
an ancient time, a pirate ship was one day being attacked by another
ship. The crew saw this and immediately notified the captain.
"Captain!" they said, "there is an enemy ship approaching!"
"Very
well," he replied, "bring me my white shirt and we shall go into
battle." The crew obeyed, they fought a long battle and finally won.
The next day the crew warned the captain. "Captain!" they exclaimed, "there are two enemy ships approaching!"
"Very
well," he said, "bring me my white shirt and we will proceed into
battle." Once again the crew brought him his shirt, they fought an
extremely long battle but finally won.
That night they were
celebrating when one of the crew came up to the captain and asked him
why he always asked for his white shirt when a battle came about.
"Well,"
the captain explained, "I never sweat during battles and with the white
shirt, everyone can see that I keep my cool, which improves morale."
"Oh I see," the crewman replied, and the celebration continued.
The next day the crew alerted the captain again. "Captain, there are 10 enemy ships approaching," they said.
The captain turned pale and replied, "Crew, bring me my brown pants!"
Posted May 24, 2024 Q: Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
A: He couldn't see himself doing it.Posted May 20, 2024 Everyone
had weighed in, and our diet workshop leader began her lecture on the
week's topic: the problems of dining out. She talked about
alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having
meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to
the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter
when going out to eat?"
Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"Posted May 18, 2024 Mrs.
Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a
recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr.
Oppernockity. He arrived two days later, tuned the piano
satisfactorily, and left.
Shortly after that, Mrs. Smith
noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again. She called the
tuner to complain about it and to ask for a return visit to solve the
problem.
However, the tuner replied, "I'm sorry ma'am, but Oppernockity only tunes once!"
Posted May 17, 2024 "Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older man, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers."
"Well,"
replied the senior citizen, "I have lived here all my life and all I
can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to
prove it yet."Posted May 15, 2024 A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. You must be the person who took our phone book."Posted May 14, 2024 Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers:
"It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a TV producer and he calls them reruns."
"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!"
"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"Posted May 12, 2024 There
was a barber who thought that he should share his faith with his
customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning, when
the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed, he said, "Today I am
going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
Soon
after he opened his shop, the first man came in and said, "I want a
shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with
you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick
desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going
to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing
to say to him. Amen."
Then quickly the barber came out with
his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying,
"Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"Posted May 9, 2024 The
chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our
insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim
form, I did a double take.
Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."Posted May 8, 2024 A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out.
He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.
He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work.'"Posted May 5, 2024 A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see an "upturn."
"I think you mean the intern, don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a contamination."
"You mean examination," the nurse corrected her.
"Well, I want to go to the fraternity ward, anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To
which the girl replied, "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination,
fraternity, maternity what's the difference? All I know is I haven't
demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant."Posted May 4, 2024 A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child.
"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?"
The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."
Posted May 2, 2024 So
it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments,
and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd
rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that
signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher
authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It
was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a
storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and
dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other
three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So
the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I
am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"
This
time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one
big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I
told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that
nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The
rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he
said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a
deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."Posted May 1, 2024 A
young man applied for a job at a new electric vehicle factory being
built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the
receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be
interviewed by the Personnel Officer.
After several minutes
of describing and explaining all about the new EV factory, the
Personnel Officer told the young man, "We need individuals who are
totally responsible."
The young man grinned and responded:
"Well, I sure qualify. Everywhere I've worked, when something went
wrong, I was always responsible!"Posted April 29, 2024 A
newly hired Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of
their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one drawing -- it
showed four people on an airplane!
Teacher: "What Bible story is that?"
Kid: "It's the flight to Egypt."
Teacher: "I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus ... but who's the fourth person?"
Kid: "Oh, that's Pontius, the Pilot."Posted April 28, 2024 Patient: "My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go shopping. Can you give me something for it?"
Doctor: "Try this medicine ... and if it doesn't work, come back and bring me a new phone."Posted April 26, 2024 As a new paratrooper, I was struck by all the T-shirts on base emblazoned with the motto "Death from Above!"
Later I noticed a submariner with a T-shirt that declared "Death from Below!"
Then,
standing in line for chow one day, I was served by an Army cook. His
T-shirt had a skull with a crossed fork and spoon underneath and yet
another warning: "Death from Within!"Posted April 24, 2024 A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.
After
seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could
get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten
to the distant point of his ranch.
The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once too."
Posted April 22, 2024 A
businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman
painting the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot
summer day.
Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.
The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”
Posted April 20, 2024 As
the bus pulled away, a woman realized she had left her purse under the
seat. Later, she called the company and was relieved to find out the
driver had found it. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus
drivers greeted her.
One of the men handed over her handbag and a box.
"We're required to inventory found wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything here."
As
she started to put her belongings back into the purse, the man
continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all
tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse ... and we'd
like to see just HOW you do it."
Posted April 18, 2024 An
Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company
worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company
would like to run a power line through his pasture. The Amish man said,
"No."
"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.
As
he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish
man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, "Show him your paper!"Posted April 17, 2024 A
boy was getting a checkup while his mother was in the waiting room.
Trying to get some information out of the boy, the nurse asked, "What's
your mother's name?"
The boy replied, "Mommy."
The nurse said, "Well, what does your daddy call her?"
The boy responded, "Tammy." The nurse wrote this down.
She did the same thing, only with the father as the subject, and got the same reply, "Daddy."
As a last resort, she remarked, once again, "What does your mommy call him?"
The boy looked up at her with big innocent eyes and said, "Idiot."Posted April 15, 2024 Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
A: "Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back."Posted April 14, 2024 The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
"You need to make sure the dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch."
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."
Posted April 10, 2024 Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?Posted April 9, 2024 The
proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy
summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole
management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk.
"Just answer the phone if it rings, Jim," instructed the proprietor.
The phone rang.
"Hello," said the clerk.
"Do you have Streptomycin and Aureomycin?" asked a voice at the other end.
The clerk scratched his head, then said, "Ma'am, when I said 'Hello' I told you everything I know."Posted April 6, 2024 The
CEO of a large orange company walked up to the Pope and offered him a
billion dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us
this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily orange."
The Pope refused his offer.
Two
weeks later, the CEO offered the pope 10 billion dollars to change the
prayer and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer.
Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 billion dollars and, finally, the Pope accepted.
The
following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good
news and some bad news. The good news is that we have just received 20
billion dollars. The bad news is that we lost the bakery account."Posted April 4, 2024 "May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."Posted April 3, 2024 An
elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for
a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."
The principal saw the item and asked, "What in heaven's name is that?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.Posted April 1, 2024 A
long time ago in rural Michigan, my family and I were members of a
small mission church. My wife taught the preschool and kindergarten
class. We frequently had family visitors, the grown children of the
older parishioners with their children.
One of the families
visiting was a service family, Marines. The three children were all
redheads, 9, 7, and 5, and were mirror images of their father.
On
Palm Sunday the class was taught about the Crucifixion, My wife showed
the story in a large book, sparing nothing of the cruel details of the
sad story. The class sat aghast until the five-year-old redheaded boy,
tears streaming down his face and hands clenched at his sides, stood up
in rage and shouted, "Where were the Marines?"Posted March 30, 2024 Q: How do hair stylists speed up their job?
A: They take short cuts!Posted March 28, 2024 How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.Posted March 26, 2024 A
doctor examined a woman and then took her husband aside. "I don't want
to alarm you," he said, "but I don't like the way your wife looks at
all."
"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and real good with the kids."
Posted March 24, 2024 A
Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one
day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on
the small table in front of him.
"Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded.
"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either."Posted March 23, 2024 A
New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise
cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well,"
said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife
favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son
wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the
Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch."
"But where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."Posted March 21, 2024 Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
Posted March 19, 2024 My
friend Bev and her husband were fixing their roof. As soon as they
started, they realized they needed more supplies, so Bev grabbed the
checkbook, jumped into her car, and drove the 45 miles to the nearest
lumberyard. After gathering the items she needed, Bev went up to the
cashier and wrote a check. "I really need to see a photo ID." the clerk
said.
"I don't have one on me," Bev replied.
The
cashier called over the manager who examined the check. Then the
manager looked up and asked Bev, "Who is the Avon lady in your town?"
Puzzled, Bev responded, "Maxine Thompson."
"I think you can take her check," the smiling manager said to the cashier. "Maxine is my grandmother."Posted March 18, 2024 A
woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed
for the express lane where the clerk was talking on the phone with the
back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad." Posted March 16, 2024 Q: Why did the professional cowboy ride his horse?
A: Because it was too heavy to carry.Posted March 14, 2024 Due
to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry
White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really
overwhelmed about the magnitude of the decision.
"Who should
go, Clark Kent or Lois Lane?" He actually did some praying, which he
hadn't done for a long time. He asked, "Please, show me a sign."
That afternoon he was doing some shopping at Walmart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer.
The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, "I'm sorry, Lois, but you have to go."
After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, "Chief, how did you know which one of us should go?"
Perry
said, "Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was
parking at Walmart, I looked up and there was the sign: FIRE LANE."
Posted March 13, 2024 A
world famous movie star is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his
motivational speech to a group of businessmen, when a man walks up to
him.
"Excuse me, sir, I don't want to bother you, but my
name is Steve, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight.
We're going to see your speech, and it would be a great help to me if,
when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."
The movie star readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.
The star comes up and says, "Hello, Steve."
Steve replies, "Not now! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.Posted March 12, 2024 Recently
Barbara took her cat, Frisky, to the vet. After she had signed in and
taken a seat to wait, a woman came in with her dog, cat and two very
energetic little girls, ages 4 and 2. The little girls were all over
the waiting room wanting to pet the animals and talk with the owners.
Frisky was in a carrier that was hard to see into but that didn't stop
the girls from coming over and asking about the cat.
At that
moment the nurse opened the door and said, "We're ready for Frisky." As
Barbara stood up to walk into the examination room the 4-year-old
looked up at Barbara and said "your name is Frisky?" Needless to say,
the entire room was in hysterics!Posted March 9, 2024 Edward
came home from a long business trip and fell into the sofa without
saying a word to his wife. She came over to see what was bothering him,
and he said, "Well, I ran into Mary - you remember my ex-wife? - and
she dumped a bottle of ketchup all over me."
"Well," said his wife, "I'll just let you rest, then. I can see you're ex-sauced, Ted."Posted March 7, 2024 A police theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs.
Thinking
that to be an error, the officer called the farmer directly. "Is it
true Mr. Smith that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth," lisped the farmer.
Being from that area, herself, the officer entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."Posted March 6, 2024 While
I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked
me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When
I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her
face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her
forefingers and thumbs.
"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."Posted March 4, 2024 A
young girl of four had to have an x-ray taken at the medical office
where I worked. She had been in an accident with her bicycle and the
doctor was afraid she may have broken her wrist.
The girl,
however, was very concerned about the procedure and no matter how her
mother tried to calm her, she kept putting up quite the fuss as we led
her into the x-ray facility.
When she came out a few minutes
later, however, she was calm and all smiles. "They just took a picture
of my bones," she explained to her mother.
"Yes, dear," her mom replied. "I told you it was easy. Did everything go well?"
"Yup. It was great!" the child exclaimed. "I didn't even have to take my skin off or anything!"
Posted March 3, 2024 As
part of the admission procedure in a hospital, a nurse asked the
patients if they were allergic to anything. If they were, the nurse
would print it on an allergy band placed on the patients' wrists.
Once when the nurse asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, the woman said she couldn't eat bananas.
Several
hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses station demanding,
"Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'Bananas'?"
Posted March 1, 2024 One summer my son, my friend's daughter and I were heading home for summer vacation. It's a five-hour road trip.
While
traveling, I decided to ask the kids what they would like to be when
they grow up. My son was eight, and the little girl was six. They went
over many job ideas, when soon, my son came out with, "I'd like to be a
babysitter when I grow up."
I asked him, "Why a baby sitter?"
"It's the only job where you get to play, watch TV, nap and they pay you for it," he replied. "It's great!"Posted February 29, 2024 Q: Why do surgeons wear facemasks?
A: So if they make a mistake, no one will know who did it.Posted February 27, 2024 While
closing up a health club one night, I went to check the women's locker
room to make sure it had been properly cleaned. I was about to knock on
the door when I heard a woman inside yelling, "Liar! Liar! Why can't
you cooperate once in a while!"
As she stormed past me, I
asked her how many other members were still getting changed. "None,"
she fumed. I walked in, wondering who had angered her. Then I spotted
the upright scale.
The weight bar was still shaking from her hasty departure.Posted February 25, 2024 What do you call a professional magician who has lost his magic?
Ian.Posted February 22, 2024 The
salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store.
He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb
through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress
even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half,
and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely
held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and
said,
"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."
Posted February 21, 2024 The newly hired teacher, Miss Jones, asks, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"
Mary answers, "A chicken gives eggs!"
The teacher then asks, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"
And Paul replies, "A goat gives goat milk!"
Finally Miss Jones asks, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"
Little Johnny blurts out, "Homework and tests!" Posted February 19, 2024 Q: What bird would make the best professional weightlifter?
A: The crane.Posted February 17, 2024 A
dietitian is addressing a large audience: "Some of the material we put
into our stomachs has long-term negative effects on us."
He
gives a few examples of bad foods and then continues, "But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat
it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief
and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stands up and says, "Wedding cake."Posted February 15, 2024 A soldier went up to the Company cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food."
The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"
"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."Posted February 14, 2024 The
customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he
asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen
and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was
superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours
is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"
Posted February 12, 2024 Psychiatrist's Nurse: "There's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible."
Doctor: "Tell him I can't see him right now."
Posted February 11, 2024 A
man was very much in love with a woman. One day she told him that the
next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of
roses...one for each year of her life.
That evening he
ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first
thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he
decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put
an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never found out what made his girlfriend so angry with him.
Posted February 9, 2024 A witness is testifying before the court, and the newly hired prosecuting attorney is asking him questions.
"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes"
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions"
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Yes"
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes"
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
Posted February 6, 2024 A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
The
Doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped
with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve,
the first woman?"
"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a
rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam
and the world."
"Wait," said the engineer. "The world was
created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering
feat that must have been to create the whole world into an organized
civilized place from utter chaos?"
"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer. Posted February 5, 2024 A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was at the pearly gates waiting for them.
"Come
with me," said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he
was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could
imagine from a bowling alley to a gigantic swimming pool.
"Wow, thank you!" said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
"Wait,
I think you are a little mixed up," said the priest. "Shouldn't I be
the one who gets the mansion? After all, I was a priest and preached
God's word every day."
"Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed."Posted February 4, 2024 If you have ever had to wait in a doctor's office for what it seems is like an eternity - you will appreciate this story.
A
doctor tells the story when he was having one of those days when he
wondered whether he should have stayed in bed. He was running late on
his appointments and had a headache.
He got a surprise when
he entered the next examining room. He opened the door with a little
less than his usual enthusiasm only to find that his next patient had
set him up. He had stretched out on the examining table, taken the
sheet provided on the table and pulled it over his whole body and stuck
a sign on his chest that simply stated: "TOO LATE!" Posted February 2, 2024 A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”
Posted January 30, 2024 A
shipwrecked sailor spent several years on a deserted island. Then, one
morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel
pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach,
the officer in charge showed the marooned sailor a few news headlines
and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through
these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."Posted January 28, 2024 The
new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of
confessions, then the older priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few remarks.
The older priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The older priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and 'I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The
old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'No kidding?!? What happened next?'"
Posted January 26, 2024 At
ROTC (Reserve Officers' Training Corps) summer camp at an Air Force
Base in Florida, we were nervous about our approaching survival
training, for we would be pitching our tents in a snake-infested swamp.
Our
instructor, advising us on the treatment of snake bites, explained that
the venom of rattlesnakes, copperheads and water moccasins affected the
circulatory system. Their bites were to be treated with tourniquets,
incisions and suction. The poison of the coral snake, on the other
hand, affected the nervous system. At this point he closed his manual.
"Sir," asked a cadet, "what do we do if a coral snake bites one of us?"
"Turn to page A1-7 in your manuals."
There
was a flurry of activity as we flipped through the guides. When we
looked up, our smiles were sickly. Page A1-7 consisted entirely of
interdenominational prayers.
Posted January 25, 2024 My therapist said I was paranoid.
Well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.Posted January 22, 2024 A man parks his bicycle nearby the Capitol in Washington, DC and walks on.
A
police officer stops him and asks, "Why did you park your bicycle here?
Don't you know it is a VIP road and all congressmen and senators pass
from here?"
Man replied, "Don't you worry about it, I locked my bicycle!"Posted January 21, 2024 Recently I had the following encounter in the deli section of a large grocery store:
Me: I'd like a pint of the jello salad, please.
(The kid behind the counter reaches for the cup-sized container.)
Me: Sorry -- pint, not cup.
Kid: Huh?
Me: (pointing) This size.
Kid: Oh. That's a pound.
Me: That depends on what you put in it.
Kid: Huh?
Me: "Pint" is volume, not weight. What that amount weighs depends on what you put in it.
Kid: This is a pound, not a pint.
Me:
If you fill it with potato salad it's probably more than a pound; if
you fill it with that marshmallow fluff it's a lot less.
Kid: Huh?
Me: Never mind, just give me a pound of jello.
In case you're wondering, my pound of jello weighed about 12 ounces.
Posted January 19, 2024 After
seven years of training and hard work in the medical fields, a very
good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept
with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
A genuinely nice guy and just a brilliant veterinarian.
Posted January 17, 2024 An
elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher
greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where
would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
Posted January 15, 2024 My
three-year-old had to have some tests done at the hospital. Because he
had to lay perfectly still for an MRI of the brain, they gave him some
medicine to help him sleep. After he woke up the nurse asked him where
he was, as a way to determine if he was coherent or not. He looked at
her from the top of his eyes, squinted as if he was asking, "are you
crazy?," pointed to himself and replied, "I'm right here!" We laughed
hysterically. The pediatric nurse said, in her 21 years of nursing
children, she's never had that response.Posted January 14, 2024 When
Rod's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see
a psychiatrist. Rod told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life
isn't worth living."
"Don't be stupid, Rod," said the
psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally
submerge yourself in your work. Now, What do you do for a living?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Rod replied.
Posted January 11, 2024 On
doctor's orders, George had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was
dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it
for the services.
George's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I
might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The
undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the
casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."Posted January 9, 2024 Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70.
They
rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky
day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some
resentment that his senior was fresh and relaxed.
"I don't
understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to drooling patients from
morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and
unbothered when it's over?"
The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"
Posted January 7, 2024 I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Posted January 5, 2024 A
worker in the reference department of the Library of Congress received
a call asking the meaning of the phrase "without recourse." He
consulted a legal dictionary and furnished this definition, "Said of a
signer of a document when he takes no responsibility for the face of
the document."
"Thank you," said the voice at the other end
of the wire. "I have an autographed photograph of Coolidge. It's
signed, "Without recourse, Calvin Coolidge."
Posted January 2, 2024 The
arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then
rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this
number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
Posted December 30, 2023 It
was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Posted December 29, 2023 A
biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist
shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a
shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got
'em!"Posted December 27, 2023 An
elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's
got to be a good singer. I've got good, hard cash, but I'm only paying
for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder
towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling
of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is
the best singer I've ever seen."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel
obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're
climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be
a good singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming
down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered
Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody
after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is a great singer." Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady, what do you want a singer or a dancer?" Posted December 26, 2023 Q: How many overeager personal assistants does it take to put in a light bu...
A: Done!Posted December 22, 2023 Two
women co-workers were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been
married ten years, and every night my husband has complained about
dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food."
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"
The first one replied, "Oh, no. Not in the slightest."
"You must be a saint!" commented the second.
To which the first woman replied, "Why should I object? A lot of people don't like their own cooking."Posted December 20, 2023 A
home improvement contractor was fixing up the floor and laying down
carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he noticed a bump in
the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over a package of screws
he used earlier.
Rather than pulling up the carpet, he decided to get a hammer and pound the package into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
"The
carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your screws, I found
them in the kitchen. By the way, have you seen my phone?"
Posted December 18, 2023 Q: Why did the ox lose his job on the farm?
A: Because he couldn't take a yoke.Posted December 15, 2023 A
woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said
she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all
right.
The woman's husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then,
after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time
asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace
in circles.
Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through
the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state
of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, "Doctor, what the heck is wrong
with my wife?"
"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."Posted December 14, 2023 The
contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the
presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead
lines to buried cable.
Mother Superior called the electric
company's complaint department to ask for help. "The profanity these
men constantly use is unsuitable for our community. You must make them
stop cursing so much," said the nun.
"Very well, sister. But
please understand, they just have their habits. Even when they are
trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade,"
said the company spokeswoman.
Mother Superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is '%#$&*~$ shovel'."Posted December 12, 2023 What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
Firecrackers!
Posted December 9, 2023 A man was on his phone, calling a locksmith. "I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous man.
"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.
"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the man. "My top is down and it's starting to rain."
Posted December 6, 2023 In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: "That's the hat for you! It makes you look ten years younger."
"Then I don't want it," retorted the customer.
"I certainly can't afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!"
Posted December 4, 2023 A young boy called the pastor of a local church and asked him to come by to pray for his mother, who was very ill with the flu.
The
pastor knew the family and was aware they were members of another
church down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking
Brother Simon at your church to come by to pray with your mom?"
The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is that Mom has."
Posted December 3, 2023 Q: What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?
A: Ferry tales.Posted November 30, 2023 George
has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the
fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had
gotten a good night's sleep.
Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it.
So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A
few weeks later, George's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in
the mall, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic,
and cheerful.
"Doc!" George says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," George says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues George, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says George. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."Posted November 29, 2023 A man was walking down the street when he bumped into a construction worker.
They get into a conversation and the man asks him what he would do if he only had five minutes to live.
"Well,
I haven't lived a very passionate life, so I suppose I'd kiss anything
that moves," answered the construction worker. "What would you do?"
"I'd stand perfectly still."Posted November 27, 2023 Boss to employee: Why don't we ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Posted November 25, 2023 "I came in to make an appointment with the dentist," said the man to the receptionist.
"I'm sorry sir," she replied, "he's out right now, but..."
"Thank you," interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again?"Posted November 24, 2023 This
old fisherman would go out in his boat every morning and come back
about an hour later with a cooler filled with fish. The game warden got
suspicious as to how the old guy always caught so many fish in such a
short time. So he invited himself fishing with the old guy.
They
went to the middle of the lake, the old guy pulls out a stick of
dynamite and throws it overboard. Boom! Fish start floating to the
surface and the old guy starts scooping them up in his net.
The game warden says, "You can't do that. It's illegal."
The
old guy quietly lights another stick of dynamite, hands it to the game
warden and says, "You gonna talk or are you gonna fish?"
Posted November 21, 2023 A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"
A small girl replied: "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"Posted November 20, 2023 A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.
She
left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her
daughter. When returning to her car to find she had locked her keys
inside. She had to get home to her sick daughter, and didn't know what
to do. She called her home to the baby sitter, and was told her
daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a
coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman found an old
rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their
keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't
know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God for help.
An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????" But she was desperate, and thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.
She
said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please,
can you use this hanger to unlock my car." He said, "Sure." He walked
over to the car and in seconds the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "thank you so much .... You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud..... "Thank you, God, for sending me a professional!"
Posted November 17, 2023 "Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
Posted November 16, 2023 A
friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore.
Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!"
Just
as she spotted the boy, she bumped into the store manager. "Pardon me,
ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to
read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."Posted November 15, 2023 An
elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish
downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him a legal document.
"The
whole thing was a bit complex," said the lawyer, "but I've made sure to
accommodate all your requests. Due to the amount of work involved, my
fee is $4,500."
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got
involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old
man wrote out his check and left.
When she got off the phone
and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the
stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away.
Feeling
frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the
situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for
half an hour's work isn't bad."
Posted November 13, 2023 Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
Posted November 12, 2023 Murphy's Laws Of Combat
~ Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms.
~ When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
~ The problem with taking the easy way out, is that the enemy has already mined it.
~ Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
~ All five-second grenade fuses are three seconds, or all five-second fuses will burn out in three.
~ There's always a way.
~ If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
~ If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
~ Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
~ The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
~ If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
~ If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Posted November 9, 2023 Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?
A: Lucky.
Posted November 7, 2023 As
a student driver in New York City, I was taking the road test for my
driver's license. When someone cut me off, I held my temper so I
wouldn't look out of control. "You have a lot to learn," said the
inspector.
At a red light, the car behind tapped my bumper.
I remained calm while the inspector shook his head. When the light
turned, I accelerated, but the car behind sped up and cut me off. That
did it! I hit the horn as hard as I could.
The inspector turned to me, smiled and said, "Now you're getting the hang of it."Posted November 5, 2023 Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?Posted November 4, 2023 Pilot: "Have you ever flown in a small plane before?"
Passenger: "No, I have not."
Pilot: "Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears popping."
Pilot (after the plane landed): "Did the gum help?"
Passenger: "Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears."
Posted November 1, 2023 This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor says, "OK. Touch your elbow."
The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doctor, surprised, says "Touch your head."
The
guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch
his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he
hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete
examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two
days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says "We've found your problem."
"Oh yeah? What is it?"
"You've broken your finger!" Posted October 30, 2023 Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.Posted October 28, 2023 The following statements are supposedly taken from real resumes and cover letters:
* I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
* My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
* Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
* It's best for employers that I not work with people.
* Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
* The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
* Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
* Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Posted October 27, 2023 Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to put it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.
Posted October 24, 2023 The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena. His opponent had sliced off both of his arms.
Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could.
But
when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but
to give up, for now he was both unarmed and defeated.
Posted October 23, 2023 The
young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. "Isn't it
rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the sales clerk.
"It's
designed to adjust the child to live in today's world, ma'am," the shop
assistant replied, "any way he tries to put it together is wrong."Posted October 22, 2023 Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?Posted October 20, 2023 Our
business professor was lecturing about different ways to bill
customers. He asked, "Who can give me an example of a system where you
are billed before you actually receive your goods?"
One student piped up, "Tuition!"
Posted October 19, 2023 Business is up and down at the moment; I sell yo-yos.Posted October 17, 2023 At
the height of a corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a
witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand
dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Posted October 15, 2023 How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb?
Is it one or two? One… or two? One…or two?Posted October 11, 2023 Bob
was a passionate masseur. For years he pounded, stretched, pulled and
relaxed the most burdened, stressed, bent-out-of-shape bodies. Then
late one day, rather unexpectedly, he was fired.
Apparently, his last client complained that he had rubbed her the wrong way.Posted October 10, 2023 After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:
"Let me see if I've got this right.
You
want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every
waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a
sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior,
observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages
and dress habits.
"You want me to wage a war on drugs and
sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of
mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach
them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to
register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a
job.
"I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe
environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice,
write letters of recommendation for student employment and
scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others.
"My
contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and
weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my
own expense working to ward advance certification and a Masters degree.
And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty
meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training.
"I
am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very
presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of
authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this
current administration. You want me to incorporate technology into the
learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each
student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous
and/or liable to commit a crime in school.
"I am to make
sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't
come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I
am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal
education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical
handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter,
telephone, newsletter and report card.
"All of this I am to
do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin
board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family
for food stamps!
"You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me. . . NOT TO PRAY?"
Posted October 7, 2023 A
Methodist minister in a little Georgia town was known to a few folks to
have a fondness for alcohol. One Saturday a parishioner knocked at the
parsonage door. He held up a large bottle of homemade peach brandy and
told the preacher, "Reverend I'd sure like to give you this, but
there's one condition: You must thank me from the pulpit tomorrow
morning."
The preacher thought about it for a moment and
agreed. The next morning he strode to the pulpit and announced, "I
really want to thank Brother Roberts for the lovely gift of fruit he
brought by the parsonage yesterday and especially for the spirit in
which it was given."
Posted October 5, 2023 What's the key to making a good mailman joke?
The delivery.
Posted October 4, 2023 An
Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an elephant, a
refrigerator, a giraffe and a lemon all walk into a restaurant.
The waiter turns around and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"Posted October 2, 2023 A grocery store cashier is really busy. He notices a dog in the store and shoos him away.
Later,
he notices the dog is back again. He walks over and notices the dog has
a note in his mouth. The man takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have
12 bananas, please."
The man looks again, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill.
So the cashier takes the money, puts the bananas in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
He is very impressed, and this goes on for several days - with the dog buying different items each time.
One
day, the cashier decides to follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is
walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the
bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently,
bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across
the road, with the man following.
The dog then comes to a
bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The cashier is in awe at
this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats
to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of
the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus
comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the
right bus, and climbs on.
The cashier, by now open-mouthed,
follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through town. Eventually the
dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind
legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries
still in his mouth, and the cashier still following.
They
walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the
path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the
path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He
goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!-
against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so
the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks
along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his
head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and
waits at the door.
The cashier watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts shaking his head in disapproval and reprimanding the dog.
The cashier runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"Posted October 1, 2023 Job Candidate: I only catch cold on weekdays. Probably because I have a weekend immune system.Posted September 29, 2023 Why are barbers some of the best drivers around?
Because they know all the short cuts.
Posted September 27, 2023 At the checkout counter, the bag boy asks, "Paper or plastic?"
Customer: "I don't care, you pick one."
Bag boy: "I can't."
Customer: "Why not?"
Bag boy: " 'Cause, baggers can't be choosers!"
Posted September 25, 2023 A
Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of
the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They
visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs.
Finally,
they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they
wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf,
scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the
floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through
and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor
and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That
evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his
wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses.
The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog
tricks, too?" I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his
finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately
jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to
howl.
The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"
Posted September 23, 2023 A
woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says: "Hey doc, you know
how we have been talking about saying things that don't come out the
way we meant them to?"
Psychiatrist: "You mean Freudian slips?"
Patient:
"Exactly, those. Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was
eating dinner with my husband, and I meant to say, 'Honey, could you
please pass the salt,' but instead I said, 'You damn fool, you ruined
my life.'"Posted September 22, 2023 Did you hear about the professional actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.Posted September 21, 2023 The time has come for St. Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteers to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.
"It's
no big deal," St. Peter explains. "Sit at the registration desk, and
ask each person a little about his or her life. Then send them on to
housekeeping to pick up their wings."
On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him.
"I'm
a simple carpenter," says the man. "And once I had a son. He was born
in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in this world. He
went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his
hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit
lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story."
By this time, Jesus is standing with his arms outstretched. There are tears in his eyes, and he embraces the old man.
"Father," he cries out, "It's been so long!"
The old man squints, stares for a moment, and says,
"Pinocchio?"Posted September 18, 2023 Why did the nurse need a red pen?
In case she needed to draw blood.Posted September 16, 2023 The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History Department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."
He
went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the
hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned." Posted September 14, 2023 My
brother-in-law was a lay minister, so when his sister wanted a small,
casual wedding, she asked him to officiate. He had never performed a
marriage ceremony before, so he decided to ask his pastor for advice.
"My sister has asked me to marry her," he began, "and I'm not sure what to do."
The minister answered, "Try telling her you just want to be friends."
Posted September 12, 2023 What happened to the archeologist who lost her job?
Her career was in ruins.Posted September 11, 2023 I used to be afraid of painting professionally, but eventually I brushed it off.
Posted September 10, 2023 A
journalist has to write a story on the lack of politeness in society
these days. So he asks a few people at an international airport,
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of politeness today?"
A German says, "I think it's terrible, one should always be polite to others."
An Englishman answers, "The basic rules of politeness should always apply."
A New Yorker replies, "Excuse me? What is 'excuse me'?"
Posted September 5, 2023 When
the ice-maker on our refrigerator broke, my husband dropped by the
local hardware to find the part. Because the sun was so bright that day
and the interior of the store was dark, his eyes hadn't quite adjusted
when he walked in.
He accidentally stepped on the foot of
a woman examining some samples. She screamed, causing my husband to
jump sideways into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in
every direction. Unnerved, he stumbled over to the service desk, and as
he put his hands on the counter, he flipped over a bowl of marbles,
scattering them everywhere.
After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the wide-eyed woman working there, "My refrigerator doesn't work."
She replied, simply, "I don't doubt it."
Posted September 4, 2023 I keep trying to start a hot air balloon business, but it just doesn’t take off.Posted September 2, 2023 What
is work life like under the sea? Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world? Is
everyone united for a common porpoise? Or do they all split off in
their own special groupers? Well, one tragic story indicates it's not
so perfect down there.
There was once a brilliant sturgeon
on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of
its flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp
from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy.
One
day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting
around telling everyone the sturgeon's treatments had made him more eel
than he had been and then conched him with a malpractice suit. Well,
the sturgeon was in a real pickerel.
The board chased him
off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt
to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiff's clam.Posted September 1, 2023 I
recently met a limo driver who was in business for over 30 years.
Despite trying his hardest, he didn’t get one single customer…all
this time and nothing to chauffeur it. Posted August 30, 2023 The
cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his
regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching
enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get
up on my horse!"
Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped
onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the
ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this
time!"Posted August 28, 2023 A young man was seeing a psychiatrist for a disorder.
"I
am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start
dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. When I wake
up, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"Posted August 27, 2023 When I was younger, I really wanted to be a banker…but I kept losing interest. Posted August 26, 2023 A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.
"I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car," he said.
"That's right, sir," the salesman answered. "During the warranty period we will replace anything that breaks."
"Fine, I need a new garage door."Posted August 23, 2023 A
very respectable lawyer was filing some insurance papers when he came
to the question: "If your father is dead, state the cause of death."
Unwilling to reveal that his father had been hanged for cattle rustling, the lawyer evaded the problem by answering:
"He died while taking part in a public ceremony when the platform gave way."
Posted August 21, 2023 Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
Posted August 20, 2023 A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The
distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship
your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."Posted August 18, 2023 I once owned a paper business but it folded.Posted August 16, 2023 An
old man, because of his grumpy miserly ways, had no friends. Just
before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and minister to gather
around his bedside.
"I have always heard you can't take it
with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 in
cash under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want
each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the
dirt on me, you throw the envelopes in."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave.
On
the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel
exactly right. I'm going to confess. I needed $10,000 badly for a new
church we're building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in
the grave."
The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a hospital and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000."
The
lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I
don't see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal
check for the full amount."Posted August 14, 2023 I used to be the host of a blackjack table but I got a better deal.Posted August 13, 2023 Boss to employees: 'We will continue to have these meetings every single day until I figure out why no work is being done!"Posted August 10, 2023 "Doctor, I think I need glasses."
"You certainly do! This is a bank."
Posted August 8, 2023 Spanish
never came easily to my sister. Still, she did her best to communicate
with the Spanish-speaking staff at the restaurant she managed. But when
she made mistakes -and she made a lot- she'd apologize by saying, "Me
estupido."
Finally, a staffer took pity on her. "Susanna,
you're not estupido," she said, bucking up my sister's ego. "You are a
woman," she continued. "So you are estupida."
Posted August 6, 2023 Our
armored car arrived earlier than usual, so my deposit wasn't quite
ready. As the young man waited patiently for me to secure the bag, I
said, "Sorry to hold you up."
"Delay, delay," he corrected me. "We don't use that other phrase."
Posted August 5, 2023 A
local veterinarian was known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself
one summer day when a woman, who was visiting, brought a dog to him
after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"150 dollars, ma'am," he answered.
"Now
that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you
people, you're always trying to overcharge summer visitors. What do you
do in the winter, when we're not being scammed here?"
"Raise porcupines, ma'am."
Posted August 3, 2023 I
work in a nursing home, and one morning I was helping a gentleman, who
was particularly hard to wake, get ready for breakfast. As I coaxed him
to sit up, he fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face and said, "My,
you're pretty! Have I asked you to marry me yet?"
"No you haven't," I replied.
"Good," he said, "because I could not put up with this every morning!"Posted August 2, 2023 A
newly hired scout for one of the leading colleges went to the office of
the athletic director and announced, "Have I got an athlete for you!
This guy can play every sport and excels at every position. He is
absolutely the finest athlete I have ever seen play."
The athletic director was very impressed but had to ask the question, "But how is he scholastically?"
The scout replied, "He makes straight A's in every subject. However, I must tell you his B's are a little crooked."
Posted July 31, 2023 Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
Posted July 29, 2023 A
therapist has a theory that the more often couples make love, the
happier they are. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those
assembled, "How many people here make love 2 to 3 times a week?" Half
the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. "How about
once a week?" A third of the audience members raise their hands, their
grins a bit less vibrant. "Once a month?" A few hands tepidly go up.
Then he asks, "OK, how about once a year?"
One man in the
back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is
shocked as this lone aberration disproves his theory. "If you make love
only once a year," he asks, "what are you so happy about?"
The man yells, "Today's the day!"
Posted July 28, 2023 Dentist: “You need a crown.”
Patient: “Finally someone who understands me”
Posted July 26, 2023 I didn't realize how much my nursing career had affected my family until the day my three-year-old granddaughter said to me,
"Gramma, I think my blood sugar is low. Can I have a cookie?"Posted July 25, 2023 A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.Posted July 23, 2023 You'd
never believe it, but I bumped into a famous stuntman in a motorcycle
shop the other day. He was complaining because he couldn't decide
whether to buy a bike with a high top speed but poor acceleration, or
one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed.
Eventually he decided on the second one because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is cheap.
Posted July 21, 2023 As a professional chef, I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.Posted July 20, 2023 I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus.
That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.Posted July 19, 2023 People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a professional comedian."
Well, nobody's laughing now.Posted July 16, 2023 A
woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new
doctors but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older
doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her
story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The
older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first
doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you
told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Posted July 14, 2023 Three
elderly doctors have been friends for many years, and one afternoon at
the club they started talking about their final arrangements.
The first, a dentist, says, "When I die, I think I'd like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble."
"That's a very clever idea," says the cardiologist, "I'd love my tombstone to be shaped like a heart in red marble."
The urologist is silent for a bit, then says, "I'm thinking about having my ashes scattered."Posted July 9, 2023 The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby.
"Actually, it's quite simple." he said. "Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."
Posted July 7, 2023 Two
resident doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital. A senior
consultant had to pull them apart. "What's all this about?" asked the
consultant angrily.
"It's the tax auditor in C ward," said one. "He's only got 2 days to live."
"He had to be told." said the second doctor.
"I know," said the first, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!"Posted July 6, 2023 We
were eating dinner and it was really quiet because we were enjoying our
food. My five-year-old, out of nowhere, says, "So, I didn't get the
promotion."
Her comedic timing was perfect.
Posted July 4, 2023 A
tourist on a diving charter off the coast of Florida asks the newly
hired dive master: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their
boats?"
To which the rookie dive master replies: "Think about it! If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."Posted July 3, 2023 Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a peaceful evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before
he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now,
just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed
to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house
with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my
keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
When
I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me
to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people
and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.
Then
I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to
make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my
hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing.
When I came up, I hit my head on the open cash drawer, which made me
stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of bottles on it and half
of them hit the floor and broke.
The phone is still ringing
with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -
she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And mister, I TOLD
HER!"Posted July 1, 2023 I
told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we pass away.
My ten-year-old asked, "Will you leave me more if I'm your lawyer?"
She's clearly ready for a legal career.Posted June 27, 2023 Q: What is a fisherman paid?
A: The net profits.Posted June 26, 2023 Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."
Posted June 25, 2023 A
while back, I got a job as a department store Santa, but they caught me
drinking on the job, so they gave me the ol' heave ho ho ho.Posted June 23, 2023 I used
to work at the local government offices. I kept all my papers in a
briefcase. One day I absentmindedly left it in a common area. I went
back to where I had left it but it wasn't there. I eventually found out
that the caretaker had it. He told me, "I thought it might be a bomb so
I took it to my office."
Posted June 21, 2023 A
newly hired Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she
dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
church?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"Posted June 19, 2023 Most dentist chairs go up and down, don't they? The one Mr. Wilson was in went back and forwards.
He thought, "This is unusual."
The dentist said, "Mr. Wilson, get out of the filing cabinet."Posted June 18, 2023 Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?
A: Lucky.
Posted June 14, 2023 A man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free meal?"
The waiter considers it, then agrees.
The
man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into
his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks
his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man
finishes his meal, he asks the waiter, "If I show you an even better
trick, will you give me free meals for the rest of the week?"
The waiter agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his dessert, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The
stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The
man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange
for the money.
"Are you insane?" the waiter demands. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it," the man answers. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."Posted June 13, 2023 Newly hired Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and please make sure the glass is clean."
(The waiter exits, returns.)
Waiter: "Two teas. Who asked for the clean glass?"
Posted June 11, 2023 So, I tried for a professional acting job.
I auditioned for the role of Hamlet, but it was not to be.Posted June 10, 2023 Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door. Posted June 6, 2023 A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone.
“Hey, how are you doing?” he asks.
“Well!”
responds the friend. “I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. I also
wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. I have a
new TV series airing next week, and everyone says it’s going to be a
hit. I’m doing great! How are you?”
“OK,” says the first producer. “I’ll call you back when you’re alone.”
Posted June 4, 2023 A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.Posted June 3, 2023 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally,
a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."Posted June 1, 2023 Friend 1: Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
Friend 2: Really? Because I could really see you working in a glass factory.Posted May 31, 2023 A man sees a job ad posted on a construction site, "Handy man wanted; apply within."
So he does and speaks to the foreman.
"Can you drive a Bobcat?" the foreman asks.
"No."
"Can you plaster?"
"No."
"Have you ever done any carpentry?"
"No."
"If you don't mind me asking," says the foreman, "what's so handy about you?"
"Well, I only live about five minutes down the road..."
Posted May 29, 2023 The
poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the
receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he
exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in
the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It
was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'You look great in that dress.
You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied his wife. "But then, he said, 'It looks great from back here, too!'" Posted May 27, 2023 Q: What did the schizophrenic accountant say?
A: I hear invoices in my head!
Posted May 26, 2023 Two rookie policemen call the station on their radio.
"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."Posted May 24, 2023 How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. They don’t like to share the spotlight.Posted May 22, 2023 During
my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the
emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an
equally unpresentable medical student. In the ER, we encountered the
on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean
white lab coats.
The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."
Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration.
I
was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I encountered that same
medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is
sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"
Posted May 21, 2023 A
preacher worked hard on his sermon most of the week and retyped it all
up on Saturday night. But during the night his dog chewed it all up. He
didn't notice until it was time to go to church.
When he got
in the pulpit, he said, "I had a nice sermon prepared for you this
morning, but my dog chewed it up. I'm going to have to rely on the
inspiration of the Lord today, but I promise to do better next Sunday." Posted May 19, 2023 I went to work for a moving company. They told me to vacate the premises, so I left.Posted May 18, 2023 Mr. Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing company.
Every
day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the top drawer of his desk,
peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done
this for 25 years.
The entire staff was intrigued but no one was game to ask him what was in the drawer.
Finally the time came for Mr. Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation.
As
soon as Mr. Evans had left the building, some of the staff rushed into
his office, unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom
of the drawer was a sheet of paper.
It read, "Debits on the left, credits on the right."Posted May 16, 2023 "Doctor, these pills you gave me for body odor..."
"Yes, what's wrong with them?"
"They keep slipping out from under my arms."Posted May 14, 2023 I went to work for a company that prints calendars.
But I knew from the start that my days were numbered.Posted May 12, 2023 Doctor: "You need new glasses."
Patient: "How do you know? I haven't told you what's wrong with me yet."
Doctor: "I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window."Posted May 8, 2023 How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just give the old bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.Posted May 7, 2023 A
cathedral is being worked on, and the workers have rigged a cage
elevator inside so they can get material up and down. A characteristic
of this cage elevator is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually
for it to be called to another floor.
One day one of the
workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is
subsequently needed on the first floor by the verger.
Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open.
After
the verger rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells
up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral
were treated to this sight: The verger of the cathedral, head tipped
up, yelling up to the heavens: "Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"
Posted May 4, 2023 I went to work for a demolition company. I got fired for breaking the cardinal rule of demolitions:
Make sure you get the address right.Posted May 3, 2023 A
van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in
the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a
guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst
into flames. There were no injuries.Posted May 1, 2023 The
pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks
were well organized and always ended promptly in 20 minutes.
One
Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still
preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a
small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come
to a close.
When they got home after the service, the wife asked him why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.
He
answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my
mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know
it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar
button instead of a lozenge."Posted April 27, 2023 I'm
a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by
testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate
aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was
having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming
disheartened.
Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.
"Mom, guess what!" I overheard him exclaim. "I tested positive for tuba!"Posted April 26, 2023 A
first-year teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood
on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should
turn red in the face."
"Yes," the pupils said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little boy shouted, "It's because your feet aren't empty."
Posted April 24, 2023 Q. Did you hear about the employee who fell into an upholstery machine?
A. He's fully recovered!Posted April 23, 2023 First man: I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.
Second man: I thought they just hired a new teller last week.
First man: Right. That's the one they're looking for.
Posted April 21, 2023 As
a recent retiree, when I get really bored, I like to drive downtown and
get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people
ask me if I'm leaving.Posted April 20, 2023 Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.
Posted April 18, 2023 Supervisor to Employee: "If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong."Posted April 17, 2023 I
lead the after-school drama club at my kid's school. A first-grader
asked, "Can you teach me how to act like I'm listening when my dad
talks?"Posted April 16, 2023 A linguist dies. At the funeral, a fellow academic asks the wife, "Do you mind if I say a word?" She nods.
He stands and says "Plethora", and immediately sits down.
She says, tearfully, "That means a lot."
Posted April 14, 2023 After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks.
"All
right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If
you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world,
who would it be?"
Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row.
"My recruiter."Posted April 12, 2023 Doctor: Who's my next patient?
Nurse: Mr. Ghost.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.
Posted April 10, 2023 A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds: “I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.”
“Wow – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”
Posted April 8, 2023 Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was soda pressing.Posted April 6, 2023 We
had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds, and
after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a
restaurant.
When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug.
He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.
"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.
"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."Posted April 5, 2023 Paul
got a part-time job at the post office. The first assignment his
supervisor gave him was sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so
fast that his motions were almost a blur.
Extremely pleased
by this, the supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first day. "I
just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased
with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've
ever had."
"Thank you, sir," said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?"
Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."
Posted April 4, 2023 A
New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very
rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a
long beard, payos, the works.
The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: "Quick... get me a translator."
Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?"
The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"
The
old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a
British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be
82 next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of
Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University."
The translator
turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr
is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph,
areingekummen vun Oxford."
Posted April 3, 2023 One day a man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of water. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.
The bartender got angry, grabbed the man by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"
The
man said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive
me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so
ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"
The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?"
The man replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."
The
bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the man
left. About three months later the man came back to the same bar,
ordered another glass of water, drank half of it, and poured the rest
on the bartender.
The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"
The man replied, "I did, and it worked out great! Now I don't feel ashamed at all!"
Posted April 2, 2023 I
was working at the grocery-store checkout counter, and a woman and her
son came through the line. The son unloaded the cart. Two eggs in a
carton had been broken, and half a loaf of bread had been mysteriously
crushed. His mother chided him, remarking that she would have to make
French toast with the injured items. He looked properly repentant until
his mother walked off. Then he whispered to me,
"A friend told me to try the broken egg/squashed bread routine. That's how he gets his mom to make French toast for him!"Posted March 24, 2023 "Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
Posted March 23, 2023 Mrs.
Frobisher, a newly hired Sunday School teacher, was telling her
students about the time when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned
into a pillar of salt.
Little Dewey interrupted. "My mommy
looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned
into a telephone pole."Posted March 20, 2023 Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."
Father: "Well, keep at it, Son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."
Posted March 19, 2023 "Doctor, Doctor, I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee."
"Have you tried taking the spoon out?"
Posted March 15, 2023 How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes nine visits.Posted March 13, 2023 A woman, employed as a telemarketer, was making phone calls to different households.
A
little boy answered and whispered, "Hello." The woman asked if his
mother was there. The little boy whispered, "Yes." The woman asked if
she could speak with her. The little boy whispered, "No, she's busy."
The
woman asked if his father was there. The little boy whispered, "Yes."
The woman asked if she could speak with him. The little boy whispered,
"No, he's busy too."
The woman asked if anyone else was
there and the little boy whispered, "Yes, the fire department is here."
The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?" The little boy
whispered, "No, they're all busy."
The woman asked if anyone
else was there, the little boy whispered, "Yes, the police department
." The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?" The little boy
whispered, "No, they're all busy too."
The woman said, "May I ask what they're all doing?" The little boy whispered, "They're all looking for me." Posted March 12, 2023 "What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am" said the new boy.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters."
Posted March 9, 2023 A
minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas (back in the
day when there was such a thing) just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in
front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend,"
said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone
waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business." Posted March 7, 2023 A
newly hired English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what
they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet
of paper. "Alec!" yelled the teacher, "You've done nothing. Why?"
"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"
Posted March 5, 2023 Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Posted March 4, 2023 A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
Posted March 2, 2023 "Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "how dare you serve me this! There's a damn TWIG in my soup!"
"My apologies," said the waiter, "I'll inform the branch manager." Posted February 26, 2023 "Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older man, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers."
"Well,"
replied the senior citizen, "I have lived here all my life and all I
can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to
prove it yet."
Posted February 23, 2023 A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"
"I'm sorry sir," the bartender replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
Posted February 21, 2023 While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read "CLEARANCE 11ft 3in."
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12ft 4in.
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
Posted February 19, 2023 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
Posted February 18, 2023 A man walked into a doctor's office. "What do you have?" the receptionist asked.
"Shingles," he replied.
She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, "What do you have?"
"Shingles," he replied.
She
took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she
took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a
few minutes the doctor came in and asked, "What do you have?"
"Shingles," the man told him.
The doctor looked him up and down and said, "Where?"
"Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?"
Posted February 16, 2023 My
father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an
advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the
shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance.
Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
Posted February 14, 2023 Coming home early from work, I walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer.
I said, "OK, this isn't working out."
Posted February 13, 2023 Q: Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
A: He'll dessert you.
Posted February 11, 2023
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
Posted February 9, 2023
My
wife and I met while we were serving in the Peace Corps. By the time we
left the service, we were expecting our first child. Strangely,
pregnancy and birth are covered under "workman's comp."
Filling
out the forms proved to be a challenge with questions like: "Describe
in detail how and where this accident occurred." "What could have been
done to prevent this accident?" and our favorite: "What will you do in
the future to prevent this accident from happening again?"
Posted February 7, 2023
There
was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so
many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was no
where in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made an
excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and
ordered the first pork item on the menu.
While he's waiting for
his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees
the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has
no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the
rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a
whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The congregation president is more than a little shocked. "What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."
Posted February 6, 2023
My
husband David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in
a small rest room by a faulty lock. When he was finally discovered,
David and another worker were able to open the door with some
difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open
while a maintenance worker was called. A bit later, David noticed the
door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside
called, "Get me out!" "Don't worry," David replied, "Maintenance should be sending somebody." "They did," said the voice.
Posted February 4, 2023
After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for."
"But I only have 38 sheep," says the farmer.
"I know," says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up."
Posted February 3, 2023
The president of a big bank fell off a seagoing yacht.
While his friends frantically sought a life preserver, a sailor shouted, "Hey, can you float alone?"
"Of course I can," gasped the floundering banker, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
Posted February 2, 2023 Q: What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?
A: Ferry tales! Posted January 30, 2023 An astronaut about to be launched into space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How
would you feel," the astronaut replied, "if you were sitting here, on
top of thousands or even millions of parts, each one supplied by the
lowest bidder?" Posted January 29, 2023 Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. Posted January 27, 2023 At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen.
"Paddy," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?"
"That I did."
"And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren't divided equally, are they?"
"No,
that they ain't," agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped the mortar along
the line of bricks. "My poor brother couldn't do this to save his life!"
Posted January 25, 2023 A
newly tenured linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class
one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In
some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." Posted January 24, 2023 Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth? Posted January 23, 2023 Researchers
for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near
greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died
from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of
all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was
definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular
impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By
analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows
had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an
impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological
Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate
percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly
concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a
look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah!," not a single one could shout "Truck!" Posted January 20, 2023 Patient: "Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!" Posted January 16, 2023 Q: What did the limestone say to the geologist?
A: Don't take me for granite! Posted January 12, 2023 Researchers
for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near
greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died
from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of
all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was
definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular
impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By
analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows
had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an
impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological
Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate
percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly
concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a
look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah!," not a single one could shout "Truck!"
Posted January 10, 2023 Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?
As
the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away
in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you.
Where were you going to get the rest of the money?" Posted January 9, 2023 Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the nurse, "How soon do you think it will be before we can have sex?"
She gave me a wink and said "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes, you can meet me in the parking lot." Posted January 7, 2023 My
new credit card arrived in the mail with a large sticker on it, giving
the phone number to activate the card. I called the number and got one
option: "Press One to activate the credit card." That led me to a live
person, who answered with her first name and the title, "Credit Card
Activator."
As I got ready to give her the necessary information, she interrupted me, asking, "How can I help you?" Posted January 3, 2023 Q: What do postal workers do when they're mad?
A: They stamp their feet.
Posted January 2, 2023 I
was in Las Vegas a short while ago, and had a very amusing experience.
While getting gas, two young women in a convertible pulled in. They
pulled up next to us and asked us where the light houses were.
"Lighthouses?" I asked.
"Yes lighthouses. We are new to Las Vegas and just can't seem to find them," the driver replied.
Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is nowhere near the ocean, I asked, "Why are you looking for lighthouses?"
"Oh,
there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses here in the paper.
But most want you to appear in person," the passenger answered while
pointing to several ads.
I stopped pumping my gas and walked
over to see the ad. You can imagine their disappointment when I read
the ads and explained that it was for "light house keeping." Posted December 30, 2022 "Oh,
so when people call their pets 'fur babies' it's fine, but when I call
a kid a 'skin dog' somehow I'm 'disgusting' and 'the worst pediatrician
in this hospital'???" Posted December 27, 2022 I'm writing a users manual for my office. I've got the page numbers done. Posted December 25, 2022 A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones." Posted December 23, 2022 One
of my customers at the Department of Motor Vehicles wanted a
personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we
completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can't forget the
date."
A few hours later, I recognized the same young man
waiting in my line again. When his turn came, he said somewhat
sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application." Posted December 21, 2022 Newly Hired Teacher: "Where is your homework?"
Pupil: "I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't going to be the best teacher in the school." Posted December 19, 2022 When
I was young I dreamed of being a test pilot. Flying higher, faster,
farther. Risking my life for the science of aviation. But when I grew
up I found out I wasn't qualified because of my poor eyesight.
Now I work in a post office which gives me many of the same thrills. I'm always pushing the envelope! Posted December 18, 2022 Q: What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?
A: A doctopus! Posted December 16, 2022 At
a naval barracks, the enlisted men were being given their shots prior
to going overseas. One lad, having received his whole series of
injections, asked for a glass of water.
"What's the matter?" asked the hospital corpsman. "Do you feel light-headed?"
"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight." Posted December 12, 2022 A
man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The
first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg
would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $5,000. The
second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary
was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "This
situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table.
The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?" Posted December 11, 2022 I
was a newly hired news reporter and my first assignment was
interviewing a 106-year-old woman. I asked, "And what do you
think is the best thing about being 106?"
She simply replied, "No peer pressure." Posted December 10, 2022 Q: What is a professional boxer's favorite drink?
A: Punch. Posted December 7, 2022 The
black lacquer stand holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my
husband left our cleaning lady a note reading, "Check out my swords."
That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as before but with this added to his note: "Nice swords." Posted December 6, 2022 After
being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Joe
was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and
drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the
owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle
Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!" Posted December 4, 2022 I'd never had surgery, and I was nervous.
"This
is a very simple, noninvasive procedure," the anesthesiologist
reassured me. I started to feel better until he continued, "Heck, you
have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery." Posted December 3, 2022 Q: Why did the kid start a gardening service?
A: He wanted to rake in some cash. Posted December 1, 2022 Writer: What do you think of my joke book? Give me your honest opinion.
Editor: It isn't worth anything.
Writer: I know, but give it to me anyway. Posted November 29, 2022 The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
"You need to make sure the dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch."
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."
Posted November 28, 2022 I was the substitute youth leader at a local synagogue when two boys who were fighting were brought to me.
They were brothers.
I asked what's the problem?
The first answered, "He called me ugly!!"
The second one said, "That was after you said I had a face like a frog!"
I tried very hard not to laugh... they were identical twins! Posted November 26, 2022 How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it 32 times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much better. Posted November 23, 2022 Q: How do you know if a restaurant has a clown as a chef?
A: When the food tastes funny. Posted November 22, 2022 The
accountant for the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe was retiring
after working for the firm for seventeen years. Cheatham was
interviewing applicants, and was disappointed, as only three had even
bothered to send in a resume.
After looking over the
application of the first, an accountant with six years experience at
Goldman Sachs, he called the first applicant in, and asked the woman
what 2 plus 2 was.
She answered, "Four."
Cheatham said he would call her if she was selected.
The
second candidate was a CPA from Harvard, and at the end of the
interview he was asked the same question, "What is two and two?"
The CPA replied, "Four." Cheatham told him that he would call the young man if he was selected.
The
third applicant was a recently-graduated philosophy. Cheatham figured
that this wasn't going to go anywhere, but thought, "What the hey? I've
got nothing to lose."
He interviewed the young man quickly
and asked, "I know you don't have an accountancy background, but can
you tell me what two plus two is?"
To which the philosophy major replied, "Can you tell me what would you want it to be?"
And was hired on the spot. Posted November 20, 2022 The frightened tourist: "Are there any bats in this cave?"
The guide: "There were, but don't worry, the snakes ate all of them." Posted November 19, 2022 An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet.
Suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The
pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and
greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring
flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his
jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises
rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level
in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks:
"Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"
The
jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly
straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios,
"Well, how was that?”
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The
Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to
the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee
and a chocolate fudge pastry."
The moral of the story
is: When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as
you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more
important.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter. Posted November 15, 2022 During
a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a
bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient
and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" Posted November 13, 2022 On
a rural road, a state trooper pulled a farmer over and said: "Sir, do
you realize your wife got out of the car when you stopped several miles
back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!" Posted November 11, 2022 My
father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a
community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on
banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up,
and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about
$1,500 at a given time.
Just then a man in the back raised
his hand. "I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but
the machine I robbed had about $5,000 in it." Posted November 10, 2022 One day down at the VFW hall, some old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors.
The first declared proudly, "My great grandfather, at age 13, was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
The second boasted, "Mine went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
The
third said, "I'm the only soldier in my family, but if my great
grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old." Posted November 8, 2022 A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"
Patient: "Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time."
Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game." Posted November 7, 2022 Q: How do hair stylists speed up their job?
A: They take short cuts! Posted November 3, 2022 My
husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me. But when he
found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment
after another, he regretted his decision.
Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything in the store for men?"
"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men." Posted October 31, 2022 “Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”
The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?” Posted October 30, 2022 On
the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened
intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing
when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?" Posted October 28, 2022 "Doctor, Doctor, I feel so short!"
"No problem. Hop up on the couch." Posted October 25, 2022 When
our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly
and, since he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked
knob and a broken hinge too.
Upon arrival at the hardware
store parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a
crescent-shaped wire he'd found inside the dryer. He didn't know where
it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure
it out once he got into the job.
"I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from a bra." Posted October 23, 2022 Q: What happened to the butcher?
A: He backed into a meat cutter and got a little behind in his work. Posted October 22, 2022 A woman entered the hospital I work at to deliver her 15th child.
"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?"
The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year." Posted October 20, 2022 A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden!
Immediately,
one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the
woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After
about a half mile the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on
his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to
him.
"Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well,
son," said the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb as a box of
rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes Sir," replied the young boy, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..." Posted October 18, 2022 First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
My plumber has a stupid sense of humor. Posted October 11, 2022 An
agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old
fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than
twenty pounds of apples."
"I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree." Posted October 10, 2022 Upholsterers never die; they just recover. Posted October 8, 2022 Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it saw someone from work on a Sunday. Posted October 7, 2022 Our
nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter. At the wedding
reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he
had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper.
Several times
during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment
of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained,
"I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down."
Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?" Posted October 5, 2022 A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food."
The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"
"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it." Posted October 3, 2022 Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather, combined, give me very dry skin.
One
night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and
covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading
a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into
the room wearing a towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I." Posted October 1, 2022 Every
couple of months I do a bulk mailing for my company, which requires a
special form from the U.S. Postal Service. I had faxed a copy of
the form that was illegible, so I phoned the post office and asked the
postal employee to mail me a new form. "I can fax you a new form, but I can't mail it to you," she replied. "We no longer send mail from this post office." Posted September 30, 2022 Sign in Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! Posted September 28, 2022 Rick,
fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying
job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his
education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22,"
Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he
*knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he
wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter
that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse
in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and
asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question
wrong.
The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest." Posted September 26, 2022 Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?
A: Lucky. Posted September 23, 2022 On
his way out of church, Bob stopped at the door to speak to the
minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from
the mistakes of another?"
"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor.
"In
that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning
the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July." Posted September 22, 2022 An airplane encountered some turbulence. It started shuddering and rocking noticeably from side to side.
The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm.
The attendant asked a businessman, "Would you like a drink?"
"Why not?" he replied unkindly. "I'll have whatever the pilot's been having." Posted September 19, 2022 Q: How many dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight! Posted September 18, 2022 Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"
"It's 274," the first man replies.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "Your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," responds the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "OK, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," answers the third man.
"Yes!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Doc, it's pretty simple," replies the third man, "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday." Posted September 16, 2022 Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at! Posted September 15, 2022 "Skipper,"
the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "A special message just
came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here."
"Read it to me," the captain ordered.
The
sailor read, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame- brained
officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy."
The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!" Posted September 13, 2022 A
magician shows his agent a new act in which he makes 50 cigars appear
out of thin air, takes a puff on each, and then swallows them one at a
time until they're all gone.
"That's amazing," says the agent. "How do you do that with so many cigars?"
"Very simple," says the magician. "I get the cigars wholesale from my cousin in Tampa." Posted September 11, 2022 Two
state troopers were chasing a car on the interstate. When the suspect
crossed the state line, the first trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, Sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "He's across the state line now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him." Posted September 8, 2022 In
my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the difference
between a watch and a clock. I told the students that when it was a
large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called
a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch.
A
few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom clocks had not
been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time.
Luis looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, "It is
exactly ten o'watch." Posted September 5, 2022 Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside.
When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he knocked on the cabin door.
There was no answer.
He knocked again, louder this time.
There was still no answer.
Finally he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, "Who's there?" Posted September 4, 2022 Holdup man: "Stick 'em up or else."
Victim: "Or else what?"
Holdup man: "Don't confuse me - this is my first job." Posted September 2, 2022 As
a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a
5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No
matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him
down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around
him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in
the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up
the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the
white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning
toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand,
and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way
back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic
words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles
serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service
stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw
one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose." Posted September 1, 2022 Q: Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery?
A: So he could loaf around!
Posted August 29, 2022 Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. Posted August 27, 2022 A
worker in the reference department of the Library of Congress received
a call asking the meaning of the phrase "without recourse." He
consulted a legal dictionary and furnished this definition, "Said of a
signer of a document when he takes no responsibility for the face of
the document."
"Thank you," said the voice at the other end
of the wire. "I have an autographed photograph of Coolidge. It's
signed, "Without recourse, Calvin Coolidge." Posted August 26, 2022 Q: What do they call a physiotherapist in Egypt?
A: A Cairopractor. Posted August 25, 2022 "Excuse
me sir," said the man to one of the newly hired stewards on an
Amtrak Train. "I always get nauseous when I go on trains, so I am going
to take a heavy sleeping pill, but please do whatever you can to make
sure I get off when it stops in Baltimore. I really don't want to miss
my great aunt's funeral."
"Sure thing!" said the new steward happily, "We'll make you sure you get off!"
Six
hours later the train stopped in Washington D.C. and the man jumped out
of his seat in a panic, "WHAT THE HECK! I ASKED YOU TO WAKE ME UP IN
BALTIMORE!"
"Oh boy! He looks mad!" remarked the fellow behind him to his wife.
"Not half as mad as that other guy they carried off back in Baltimore," she whispered back. Posted August 23, 2022 Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it saw someone from work on a Sunday. Posted August 22, 2022 Newly Hired Teacher: "Tell me a sentence that starts with "I".
Student: "I is the..."
Teacher: "Stop! Never put 'is' after "I". Always put 'am' after "I".
Student: "OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." Posted August 17, 2022 Hymns for Professionals
DENTIST: Crown Him with many crowns
CONTRACTORS: The church's one foundation
OBSTETRICIANS: Come, labor on
GOLFERS: There is a green hill far away
POLITICIANS: Standing on the promises
LIBRARIANS: Let all mortal flesh keep silence
LAWYERS: In the hour of trial
DRY CLEANERS: O for a faith that will not shrink
CREDIT CARD USERS: A charge to keep have I
CENSUS TAKERS: All people that on earth do dwell
TAXATION OFFICERS: We give thee but thine own
TRAFFIC ENGINEERS: Where cross the crowded ways of life Posted August 14, 2022 A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"
The father thought for a moment. "Yes, son. Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case." Posted August 11, 2022 There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called "The Politician."
"All
you have to do," she told her class, "is take three steps forward, two
steps backward, then side-step, side-step, and turn around." Posted August 10, 2022 Q: Where do geologists like to relax?
A: In a rocking chair. Posted August 6, 2022 One
co-worker complained to another person on the staff, "All my husband
and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second co-worker.
"I'm seriously considering it, but I'd like to lose another 10 pounds first." Posted August 5, 2022 Just before our first long deployment, two Navy buddies and I were talking about the stress of leaving our families.
A
senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard our
conversation and offered the following advice: "You must be sensitive
to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while
you pack!" Posted August 3, 2022 The four most important things that an apprentice plumber needs to learn:
1. Hot is on the left, cold is on the right.
2. Crap flows downhill.
3. Payday is on Friday.
4. Don't chew your fingernails. Posted August 1, 2022 During
the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual
offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor
and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd
appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed
the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day
arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the
ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the
groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will
you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in
bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your
lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long
as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer." Posted July 31, 2022 The
minister's wife was a wonder at conserving food and rarely had to throw
away a bit of it. At one meal she gave her pastor husband nothing but
leftovers that the parson viewed with great disdain. He began to pick
at the food, causing his wife to say, "Dear, you forgot the blessing."
"Listen,
sweetheart, if you can show me one item that hasn't been blessed at
least two times, I can't see what another prayer can do for it." Posted July 29, 2022 A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend who used to work with him asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong." Posted July 27, 2022 "Jill,"
a newly hired teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you
mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like,"
the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't
like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm,
y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's Mrs. Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher. Posted July 25, 2022 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A: A pachydermatologist. Posted July 24, 2022 A
man went to see his doctor to go over his blood work results. As soon
as he entered the office, the doctor said to him, "I just looked at
your results. You're lucky that you came in to see me today..."
The man suddenly became nervous and asked, "Why? What's wrong with my blood work?"
"Oh nothing! It's just that I'll be out of the office tomorrow," replied the doctor. Posted July 22, 2022 In a small town, there is a big factory that hires only married men.
Concerned
about this, a local woman calls the manager and asks him: "Why is it
you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women
are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?"
"Not at all,
ma'am," the manager replies. "It is because our employees are used to
obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep
their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them." Posted July 21, 2022 While
standing watch in the Coast Guard station in Juneau, Alaska, I got a
call from the Navy in the nearby city of Adak. They had lost contact
with one of their planes and needed the Coast Guard to send an aircraft
to find it.
I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been spotted so we would know where to search.
"I can't tell you," the Navy man said. "That's classified." Posted July 18, 2022 Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?" Posted July 16, 2022 A
lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor's office where I
work. "Here," said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container.
"The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you
in a few minutes."
A short while later the lady came out of
the bathroom with an empty container. "Thanks! But they had a toilet in
there, so I didn't need this after all!" Posted July 14, 2022 An
aging Grandma that I help to take care of was telling me that she had
decided she was not too old to get fitter and improve her health.
She told me she had joined an exercise class. I asked her, "How did you get on?" She
said, "Well, after half an hour of pulling, stretching, sweating,
groaning and with all my muscles beginning to ache, I had finally got
her leotard on but by then the class was all over." Posted July 12, 2022 A
tour guide was showing a tour group around Washington, D. C. The guide
pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar
coin across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide, "a dollar went a lot farther in those days." Posted July 11, 2022 A
businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant
woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it.
"This is the Bexfield diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Bexfield." Posted July 9, 2022 I told my boss that three companies were after me and I needed a raise….
My boss asked “What companies?"
Gas, water and electricity company. Posted July 6, 2022 After
many years of service, a rich lady decides to fire her maid and hire
someone younger. When she hears the news, the maid takes a steak out of
the fridge and throws it to the family dog.
"Why did you do that?" asks the lady of the house.
"I never forget a friend," replies the maid. "That was for his help cleaning the dishes all these years!" Posted July 4, 2022 Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?
Two hundred soles were lost. Posted July 2, 2022 An
old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a
medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's
clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor
Young (who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about
medicine) thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000 so he
went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please get 5 drops from the bottle from drawer 12 and put it in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring the bottle from drawer 12 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that's Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak -- I can hardly see anything!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so here's $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer" Posted June 30, 2022 A man walks into a busy doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me."
A voice from the man's stomach says, "No, you haven't." Posted June 29, 2022 One day, a rookie police officer in his first week pulls over a guy.
"Is there a problem officer?" the man asks him.
"No,
there's no problem. I just noticed that you were driving so well that I
wanted to give you this." The officer replies handing him over a $100
bill, "So, what are you going to get with that money?"
The driver takes a minute to think then says, "Wow, uhh... I'll probably get myself a license..."
The man in the passenger seat adds, "Don't pay attention to him, he's like that when he's drunk."
Another
guy who was asleep in the baskseat wakes up to see the cop and says,
"See! I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
Following that, there is a voice coming from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"
The cop fainted. Posted June 27, 2022 Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.
"I operated on Mr. Davis the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague.
"About $6,000."
"What did he have?"
"About $6,000." Posted June 26, 2022 I
work at an art gallery where a woman and her 10 year old son were
having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose
and went with the autumn themed one.
"I see you prefer an
autumn scene as opposed to a floral one," said the gallery owner, who
happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction.
"No," said the boy. "This painting is wider, so it'll cover the three holes I put in the wall." Posted June 24, 2022 When my boss asked me who is the stupid one -- me or him? -- I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people. Posted June 22, 2022 A Judge addressed the court, at the start of a case:
"I
have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent
me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor. Two days later, I received
$20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor.
"I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias." Posted June 20, 2022 "What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, ma'am" said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters." Posted June 19, 2022 I just got a job making plastic Dracula's.
There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count. Posted June 17, 2022 Being a working adult is just saying, "If I can just get through this week..." over and over again until you retire or die. Posted June 15, 2022 A
newly hired insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that
she should take out life insurance. "Suppose your husband were to die,"
he said, "What would you get?"
The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet." Posted June 13, 2022 Two
new work crews were putting in telephone poles. At the end of the day
the foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had done.
"12," was the reply. Then he asked the second crew and they said, "2."
"2?" shouted the foreman. "The others did 12!"
"Yeah," answered the leader of the second crew, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground." Posted June 12, 2022 I work in a clinic where there's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery.
The
head of the group walks in one day and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new
faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed." Posted June 10, 2022 I
am a Sunday school teacher and when a new child visited our Sunday
school, I greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four
fingers.
"Oh, you're 4," I said. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at me and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger." Posted June 9, 2022 I
am an X-ray technician and I told a young girl that she needed an
X-ray. She went in and seemed especially nervous. When she came out of
the X-ray room, she told her mother, "They took a picture of my bones."
"Yes, dear," replied the mother. "Did everything go all right?"
"Sure," said the girl. "It was great. I didn't even have to take my skin off!" Posted June 7, 2022 A
research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of
its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had
photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait
a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if
our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be
like other porpoises?"
"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise." Posted June 6, 2022 Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied
the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and
watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started
thinking I was the foreman." Posted June 4, 2022 In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?" The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to come down to it." He was cleared. Posted June 3, 2022 Each new patient at the clinic where I work must fill out a questionnaire asking basic health and personal history questions.
One query that inevitably gets a "No" answer is, "Do you now use or have you ever used recreational drugs?" We were unprepared for the response of a young newlywed who wrote: "Yes, birth-control pills." Posted June 1, 2022 Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes. Posted May 28, 2022 Little
Johnny and his family seldom had guests, so he was eager to help his
mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When
the dinner was nearly over, Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly
carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who
passed it to a guest.
Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size." Posted May 25, 2022 The salesman reported back to his boss after several weeks on the road and said, "All I got was two orders."
"What were they? Anything good?"
"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!'" Posted May 24, 2022 Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. The people who produce the bottles. The
truck drivers who deliver the beer and the retailers who sell it.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then
I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." Posted May 22, 2022 In
days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving
the castle and called one of his squires. "Here is the key to my
treasure chest. I will be gone for about a year and I want you to keep
it safe until I return. Don't let anyone near my gold."
The
knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes
a look back at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the
drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you.
This is the wrong key." Posted May 21, 2022 I
am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job,
I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group
of ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a
young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom. "This is
where the judge sits," I began, pointing to the bench. "The lawyers sit
at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder,
or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand
and over there is where the jury sits. As you can see," I finished,
"there are a lot of people involved in making this system work."
At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, "Yeah, but I'm the one who makes it all happen." Posted May 19, 2022 Q: What's the difference between a well-dressed businessman and a tired dog?
A: The businessman wears a suit and the dog just pants. Posted May 18, 2022 A
17-year-old girl came home with five job applications. She carefully
filled them out, and later asked her mother to look them over.
All
the answers were clear and concise and she noticed that on all five
applications, under "Previous Employment", she had listed
"Baby-sitting".
But then she read, under "Reason for Leaving" her daughter had answered, "Parents came home." Posted May 15, 2022 A man walks into a restaurant with a pie on his head.
Waiter: "Why are you wearing a pie on your head?"
Man: "It's a family tradition. We always wear pies on our heads on Wednesday."
Waiter: "But today is Tuesday."
Man: "Oh, darn it! I must look like a total idiot." Posted May 12, 2022 The
first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is
always significant. It symbolizes authority and prestige.
When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.
He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir." Posted May 11, 2022 A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I broke my arm in two places."
The doctor replies, "Well, whatever you do, don't go back to those places." Posted May 7, 2022 In
his book," Sled Driver," SR- 71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes "I'll
always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt
(his backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13
miles high (70,000 ft!). We
were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we
entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us,
they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask
for a readout of its ground speed." "90 knots" Center replied. Moments
later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center
answered. We weren't the
only ones proud of our ground speed that day, as almost instantly an
F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed
readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on
the ground, Dusty". There was another silent pause. As
I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a
familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back seater. It
was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real
crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a
ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause...
"Aspen, how is 1,742 knots". No further inquiries were heard on that frequency. Posted May 3, 2022 Sign outside a photographer's studio: "Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also."
Posted May 2, 2022 A
friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first
child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived,
Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told
that it was against hospital policy to tell phone callers what the
mother had.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"
"It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson. Posted May 1, 2022 Q: What do postal workers do when they're mad?
A: They stamp their feet. Posted April 29, 2022 I can't
explain it, but despite how well they've worked for bingo and the
lottery, my lucky swim fins have yet to help me land a job.
Posted April 28, 2022 A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.
The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up." Posted April 26, 2022 Dentist - "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."
Patient - "How much will this cost?"
Dentist - "It`ll be $100."
Patient - "That much for just five minutes work?"
Dentist - "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly." Posted April 25, 2022 A Russian Tycoon, a Cuban Revolutionary, an American Farmer and an
American Lawyer are seated in the same compartment on a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of vodka out of his luggage, pours some into a
glass, drinks it, and firmly stated, "In Russia, we have best vodka in the
world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as one we make in
mother Russia. We have much of it, so much we can just throw it away like
water ..." That said, the Russian opens the train's window and hurls the
vodka out of the train.
The others in the compartment are quite impressed.
Just then the Cuban removes a box of Havana cigars from his luggage,
removes one, lights it and begins to smoke. "In Cuba, we have the best
cigars of the world 'Havanas', nowhere in the world are there such many
and good cigars, and we have much of them also, such many that we can just
throw them away ...." Making that bold statement, the Cuban sends the box
of Havanas the way of the vodka.
Once again, the compartment's occupants are quite impressed.
At that moment, not to be out done, the American Farmer abruptly stands
up, opens the window, and throws the American Lawyer out! Posted April 23, 2022 A
man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of
laryngitis, but being a dedicated employee, he went to work.
The
boss felt rather sorry for the worker and didn't want him to do any
physical labor, as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says,
"Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going
through the construction?"
The worker is glad for the easy
day. He stops the first vehicle: "Sir," he whispers, his throat feeling
worse, "please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead."
"Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake them." Posted April 21, 2022 A
bagpiper who played many gigs was asked by a funeral director to play
at a graveside service for a homeless man. The deceased man had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
the back country.
The bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost, but didn't stop for directions.
He
finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and
crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt very badly and apologized
to the men for being late.
He went to the side of the grave
and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. Not knowing what
else to do, he started to play. The workers put down their lunches and
began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man
with no family and friends. He played like he'd never played before for
this man.
And as he played "Amazing Grace," the workers
began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together. When he
finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his
head hung low, his heart was full.
As he opened the trunk,
he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Posted April 19, 2022 During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He
interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you
here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When
the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three
different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it
would never happen again.
Posted April 17, 2022 According to recent reports the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following
last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo
Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its
branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it) going for a song.
Meanwhile, 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal. Posted April 16, 2022 A
businessman on a trip to visit certain clients, is sitting at his table
in the hotel dining room with a bowl of soup in front of him. He calls
the waiter over and asks him to taste the soup.
"Is the soup too cold?" asks the waiter.
"Taste the soup," says the businessman.
"Is it too salty?" asks the waiter.
"Taste the soup!" says the businessman.
"Is there a fly in it?" asks the waiter.
"JUST TASTE THE DARN SOUP WILL YA!" the businessman insists.
The waiter looks down: "OK then...Where is the spoon?"
The businessman exclaims, "Aha!" Posted April 15, 2022 Tourist: "Say, look at that big bunch of buffaloes."
Ranch Hand: "Not 'bunch' -- 'herd.'"
Tourist: "Heard what?"
Ranch Hand: "Herd of buffaloes."
Tourist: "Sure, I've heard of buffaloes. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there." Posted April 13, 2022 Q: What did one undertaker say to the other?
A: Pass me another cold one.
Posted April 10, 2022 A woodcutter starts a new job. He goes out the first day and cuts down ten trees. Profitable and productive - excellent.
Over the next few days, he finds he is only getting six trees cut in spite of sawing harder and working longer.
An older woodcutter comes up to him and says, "You need to sharpen your saw."
To which he replies, "I don't have time for that, I've got all these trees to cut!" Posted April 9, 2022 A
group of junior-level executives were participating in a management
training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the
need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.
"For
instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them
decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping." Posted April 7, 2022 They
say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An
example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just
finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked
him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher
shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer
and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't
think the sermon ever got off the ground."
The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!" Posted April 6, 2022 A local doctor cares for a family who owns a funeral home.
When the father came in for a visit, the doctor greeted him, "It's good to see you."
His reply, "It's better to be seen than to be viewed." Posted April 4, 2022 A
priest had the weight of the world on his shoulders and was showing the
effects. The church sent him to a psychiatrist, who ordered him to take
a week off. So the priest left his religious paraphernalia behind him
and went to a neighboring city. He got himself a nice room and went to
the hotel bar to relax with a couple stiff drinks.
A waitress in a short skirt and low-cut uniform came over and asked, "What'll it be, Father?"
The priest felt to see if he was still wearing his collar by mistake, but he had none on.
"How did you know I'm a priest?" he asked.
The waitress said, "I'm Sister Mary Margaret. We go to the same psychiatrist!" Posted April 2, 2022 A famous movie star goes to lunch with his new business manager. The actor excuses himself to go to the bathroom.
A few minutes later he comes back, and his pants are all wet. His business manager says, "What's the story?"
The
star says, "This happens every time I go into a public restroom. I'm at
a urinal, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says, 'Hey! I
know you!'" Posted April 1, 2022 As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days."
"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."
"I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you." Posted March 30, 2022 On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph the police stop a driver.
"Not
only have you been driving too fast, you've been passing cars where it
is not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn
out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name?"
"Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic."
"Well, I'll let you go this time but don't do it again." Posted March 29, 2022 The
plane was about to land in Honolulu when the businessman in the window
seat spoke to his fellow passenger for the first time. "How do you
pronounce it, Hawaii or Havaii?"
"Havaii," said the other passenger.
"Thanks."
"You're velcome." Posted March 26, 2022 Q: What did the newly hired judge say when the skunk walked in his court room?
A: Odor in the court. Posted March 25, 2022 A
four-year-old girl had some difficulty in understanding the concept of
marriage, so her businessman father decided to show her his wedding
photos, thinking visual images would help.
One picture after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "...is that when mommy came to work for us?" Posted March 22, 2022 Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age. Posted March 21, 2022 A
man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My
wife is unfaithful to me. Every Friday night, she goes to the mall to
meet up with other men! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is that mall?" Posted March 19, 2022 A
blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win"
sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally,
the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't
have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
Win a Bagel
Posted March 16, 2022 A
local priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him
over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices
an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!" Posted March 15, 2022 Two co-workers on break were discussing the public trend towards more traditional family values, sex, marriage, etc.
Ralph said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?"
"I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?" Posted March 12, 2022 At
a jewelry store where I work, a young man bought an expensive locket as
a present for his girlfriend. "Dot you want her name engraved upon it?"
I asked.
The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatist, steadfastly replied,
"No,
just engrave it: ‘To My One And Only Love.’ That way, if we break up
and she throws it back in my face, I can use it again." Posted March 8, 2022 Last
October, my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but
after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its
last legs.
My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.
"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.
"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"
"Autumn," he replied. Posted March 7, 2022 A
dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when
he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he
had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."
The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With
that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was
over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker." Posted March 4, 2022 A
man walks into a posh restaurant and orders his meal. While he takes
the first bite and is looking around, a monkey swings down and steals
his plate from him before he is able to stop it.
The man asks the waiter, "Excuse me sir, who owns the monkey?"
The waiter replies, "It belongs to the piano player."
The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey stole my food?"
The pianist responds, "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it." Posted March 3, 2022 "That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the newly hired English teacher.
"How about for someone my Mom's age?" Posted March 2, 2022 A
lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. "Why do
you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?" he asked. "What's wrong
with lawyers?"
"Well, Dad," explained the boy, "I really
want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand
up in a crowd and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'" Posted February 24, 2022 I hope that, when I die, it's early in the morning, so I don't go to work that day for no reason. Posted February 23, 2022 A
man went into his psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, you have got to
help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other
night I dreamt I was a Trans Am."
"Another night I dreamt I was an Lamborghini. Last night I dreamt I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the psychiatrist, "You're just having auto-body experiences."
Posted February 21, 2022 The
contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the
presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead
lines to buried cable.
Mother superior called the electric
company's complaint department to ask for help. "The profanity these
men constantly use is unsuitable for our community. You must make them
stop cursing so much," said the nun.
"Very well, sister. But
please understand, they just have their habits. Even when they are
trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade,"
said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is '%#$!*@& shovel'." Posted February 20, 2022 A
young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his
new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien
holder on the vehicle?"
"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?" Posted February 17, 2022 A
priest is painting the outside of the church. He realizes he won't have
enough paint to complete the job unless he adds water, which he does.
When
he finishes, a freak rainstorm pops up and his handiwork is lost as all
the paint is washed off. From the clouds, a voice booms out: "Repaint,
and thin no more." Posted February 16, 2022 A
lawyer called his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in
her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order burial
or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both." Posted February 14, 2022 Q: Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
A: He'll dessert you. Posted February 13, 2022 A
fine-looking gentleman sat down in the main dining room of an expensive
restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.
After
he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he
said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was
a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I
couldn't pay the check, so you, sir, had me thrown out in full view of
all the other diners!"
"I am so sorry, sir," said the head waiter, "but, you understand-"
"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again." Posted February 11, 2022 There
was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started
losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might not be able to paint
anymore, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After
several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was
restored. The painter was so thankful that she decided to show her
gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included
painting a gigantic eye on one wall.
When she had finished
her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art:
the doctor's office. One reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and
asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly
painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a urologist.'" Posted February 10, 2022 A woman offers a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars.
A local businessman answers the ad, but he's slightly disbelieving. "What's the catch?" he inquires.
"No
catch," the woman answers. "My husband died, and in his will he asked
that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary." Posted February 8, 2022 Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.
Posted February 6, 2022 My
friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he
always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers. So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Posted February 2, 2022 Two professional hunting guides are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting colleague immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?" Posted February 1, 2022 A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus.
One day, the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected.
The strong man asked him what he was going to do.
"This is a disaster," the husband answered, "I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber." Posted January 31, 2022 One
day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and
was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100
gallons of soup for tonight's dinner. I told him I didn't know how to
make soup. He handed me a book and told me to follow the directions
carefully.
A couple hours later I had a large kettle of soup
simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second
spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed
up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand.
Instead he said, "This tastes good... are you sure you followed the recipe?" Posted January 28, 2022 The
symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be
their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first
rehearsal. The cymbalist,
realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily
clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The
music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around
the orchestra, demanding, "All right! Who did that? Who did that?" Posted January 24, 2022 A
professor of literature at a local university, my friend Larry
installed an answering machine on his telephone. Instead of the usual
instructions about leaving a message, Larry recorded a parody of
Hamlet's famous soliloquy: "To
speak, or not to speak, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in
the mind to leave a message after the beep, or to take arms against a
sea of answering machines, and by opposing, end them. To dial, to
speak, no more. Thus answering machines do make cowards of us all." Posted January 23, 2022 A driving instructor at a high school had learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One
day there were three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for
30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, the
instructor asked him to change places with one of the others.
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, the student replied in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?"
Posted January 22, 2022 A student in my chemistry class was instructed to create a new substance by mixing some special ingredient with water.
But the student chose the wrong ingredient and I realized mixing it with water would create an explosion.
I stopped the student and asked him to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the ingredient.
The student wanted to know what that would accomplish.
I answered, "It will give me time to get away." Posted January 18, 2022 Many
people hold down two jobs, so I wasn't surprised when my hairdresser
mentioned to me that he also worked part-time at the race track.
"That's interesting," I said. "What do you do?"
As he finished styling my hair, he replied, "I groom horses." Posted January 17, 2022 A
man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable
cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any
good.
On
his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath.
As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows
and stand in the draft.
"But Doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
Posted January 14, 2022
A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a
plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type
things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.
The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much
as a lawyer!"
The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I was a
lawyer."
Posted January 11, 2022
The
chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our
insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim
form, I did a double take.
Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
Posted January 8, 2022
A
business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional
manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person
for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and
two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and
showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The
next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v
Commissioner of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How
much is two and two?"
The
accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it
then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a
low voice....
"How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
Posted January 6, 2022
A
local hunting guide got himself into a big problem. His party became
hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them
astray.
"You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!" they asserted.
"I am!," he said, "but I think we're in Wyoming now."
Posted January 4, 2022
A man is driving down a country road, when he
spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of wheat.
He
pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer
is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and
asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?
"The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out
standing in their field."
Posted January 3, 2022
A new nurse listened while Dr. Johnson was
yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around
here."
Posted January 1, 2022
I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana,
and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a
red light without stopping. I told him that he had automatically failed
the test. We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained
what had happened. At first she was speechless. Then she asked
incredulously, "He ran a red light?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"
|
