Job Jokes Blog, cont.

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Posted May 30, 2011

A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus. "It's a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I said.

"What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly.  "The Let's Just Be Friends virus?"

Posted May 29, 2011

A paperboy said to a customer one day, "Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gosh, that's nice to hear," said Smith, "but I'm kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late."

The paperboy said, "I know, but I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!"
 

Posted May 26, 2011

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company.

The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.

To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
 

Posted May 25, 2011

A co-worker walked into the elevator tossing her keys up in the air and catching them. After one too many tosses, she dropped the keys, and we watched as they disappeared into the crack between the open doors and the floor.

I felt terrible for her. Or I did until she cried, "Oh no! Not again!"

Posted May 23, 2011

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
 

Posted May 20, 2011

The salesman reported back to his boss after several weeks on the road and said, "All I got was two orders."

"What were they? Anything good?"

"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"
 

Posted May 17, 2011

When my boss returned to the office, he was told that everyone had been looking for him. That set him off on a speech about how indispensable he was to the company.

"Actually," interrupted his assistant, "you left with the key to the stationery closet."

Posted May 16, 2011

A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman. "Is it true that you called him a liar?

"Yes, I did."

"Did you call him stupid?"

"Yes."

"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac jerk?"

"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"

Posted May 15, 2011

Sitting through employee fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around the room asking where all the guests were from. "Burnt Mattress, Arkansas," called out the friend sitting next to me.

"Burnt Mattress!" said the instructor, suppressing a laugh. "I've heard some unusual town names before, but never that one. Where's it located?"

My friend shot back, "Right above Hot Springs."

Posted May 11, 2011

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great- grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
 

Posted May 8, 2011

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years.

One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.

The manager says no.

The bagger says, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"

The manager goes, "I'm sorry, son, but, baggers can't be juicers."
 

Posted May 6, 2011

My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended  graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later.

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"

"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"
 

Posted May 4, 2011

I'd had enough of my employees' abusing their allotted break time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute
breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes."
 

Posted May 1, 2011

There once was a lawyer named Bender,
Who worked as a Public Defender.
Since his limo bumped into
A little Ford Pinto
He's referred to as Defender Bender.

Posted April 27, 2011

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad.

Posted April 25, 2011

Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don't know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it's done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."

Posted April 22, 2011

The salesman reported back to his boss after several weeks on the road and said, "All I got was two orders."

"What were they? Anything good?"

"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"
 

Posted April 20, 2011

Jenny, an aspiring young actress, made the rounds of producers' offices for months before finally landing a part in a police movie.

The first day's shooting called for her to be thrown from a speeding car and tumble into a stack of garbage cans.

On the second day, she was set on fire and thrown from a third floor window.

On the third day, she was beat up by the villain and dumped into the sewage-laden river.

Wearily, she dragged herself from the water and limped to the production office.

"Listen," she managed to stammer. "Who do I have to sleep with to get out of this movie"

Posted April 16, 2011

* Murphy's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* Murphy's Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Murphy's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

Posted April 15, 2011

A friend at the office always seemed to lean slightly to the left. It bothered me, so I suggested that he see a doctor and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused, telling me I was crazy, but last week, he finally went.

Sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was a half -inch shorter than his right. A bit of orthopedic surgery later, both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

"So," I said, "you didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."

He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

Posted April 11, 2011

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!
 

Posted April 8, 2011

These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship.

1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.

2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.

3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"

4. There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The steward was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin."

5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today."

6. "What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"
 

Posted April 6, 2011

Another man and I share a locker at work. Noticing that it needed a new combination lock, my partner said he would pick one up on his way to work the next day. It occurred to me later that I might not see him in the morning. How would I find out the combination? I needn't have worried.

When I arrived at work I found that he had used the locker before me and had left a note reading: "To find the first number subtract 142 from your high score the last time we went bowling. The second number is 16 less than that. To find the third number subtract 1.87 from the amount you owe me."

Posted April 5, 2011

While working in the library at a university, I was often shocked by the excuses students would use to get out of paying their fees for overdue books. One evening an older student returned two books that were way overdue and threw a fit over the "outrageous" $2 fee that I asked her to pay.

I tried to explain how much she owed for each day, but she insisted she should be exempt. "You don't understand," she blurted out. "I didn't even read them!"
 

Posted April 3, 2011

No good deed goes unpunished. I had volunteered to tar the roof on my company's shed. I was about halfway done when I slipped and fell flat on my face getting black goop all over my shirt, my pants, even my hair.

Hearing the thud, the boss looked up. "What happened?"

I got up and began to say, "All I did was..." when my feet shot out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a second time.

"You know," the boss said dryly, "you could have just told me."

Posted March 31, 2011

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started
looking for a new one to hire.  A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.  The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.
"It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak  barrels."
"Correct."

A third glass.
''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.  He winked at his secretary to suggest something.  She brought in a glass of her urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.  And if you don't give me the job, I'll let everyone know that you're the father!"
 

Posted March 27, 2011

Our store was jam-packed with customers.

One of our many Front-End managers in charge, Joann, decided to ask everybody if they needed any change so she wouldn't have to keep running back and forth to the desk. As she passed by my station she asked, "You need any change?" I didn't, so I said "No thanks, Joann; I'm full." Without missing a beat, she says, "Of what?".
 

Posted March 23, 2011

In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it:

"THINK"!

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read:

"THOAP!"

Posted March 19, 2011

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Posted March 16, 2011

A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when Little
Johnny, covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell
me the time?"

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket,
removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It
is a quarter to three, young man."

"Thanks," said Johnny. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my
butt."

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the
outraged businessman started chasing him. He has not been running
long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this
at your age?" asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said,
"That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was
quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his
butt!"

"So what's your hurry?" said the friend. "You still have ten
minutes."
 

Posted March 12, 2011

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some  advice. "The first ten years are the hardest," she said.

"How long have you been married?" I asked.

"Ten years," she replied.

Posted March 9, 2011

The Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker is a Computer Hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net."
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among hobbies.
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

Posted March 6, 2011

The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Annapolis, MD, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of our guides, Dave, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.  He went to the hospital, and as he sat in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double-take at Dave in his 18th-century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"

Posted March 4, 2011

Two men were overheard talking about the infidelities of an office Romeo.
 

"I don't know how he gets away with it," said one fellow.  "The only thing I've ever done behind my wife's back is to zip her up."

Posted February 24, 2011

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

 

Posted February 20, 2011

Two well-dressed, matronly women entered the business office and approached an executive.

"Sir," said one, "we are soliciting funds for the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?"

"Sorry," replied the exec, "but I contribute directly."

Posted February 16, 2011

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'

 

Posted February 12, 2011

A wealthy contractor liked to know something about all the employees who worked for him.

One day he came upon a young man who was expertly counting out a large wad of the firm's cash.

The contractor asked the man, "Where did you get your financial training, young man?"

"Yale," the man answered.

"That's good," said the contractor, who was an advocate of higher learning.

"What's your name?" he asked.

And the man answered, "Yackson."

Posted February 5, 2011

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Posted February 3, 2011

My boss is a fellow named Sid

With the mind of an eight-year-old kid

Just outside his door

A sign said, "Wet floor,"

Sid saw it, and read it ... and did!

Posted January 29, 2011

Two men were overheard talking about the infidelities of an office Romeo. "I don't know how he gets away with it," said one fellow. "The only thing I've ever done behind my wife's back is to zip her up."

Posted January 27, 2011

Q: What's the worst thing about growing unemployment?

A: It gets harder to be with your girlfriend with her husband home.

Posted January 23, 2011

At work, our manager was trying to demonstrate a project on his computer to four women in our provider relations department. He was having problems with the computer, so the ladies went back to their office until he could get the program pulled up. I was not aware of any of this, so I was a little shocked when I walked in the office door, and heard one of the ladies shouting down the hallway, "Hurry up girls and get in here, Al finally got it up!"

Posted January 19, 2011

CEO: I will give you as many people you need. But I definitely want the project delivered in 3 months.

Project Manager: I will give you 9 women, give me a baby in one month.

Posted January 17, 2011

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting.

He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute  meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet  us at the bar and grill across the street. YOU DROVE."

Posted January 13, 2011

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Posted January 9, 2011

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A. M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, woman, I'm married!' "

Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless!!!

Posted January 6, 2011

Businessman's Expense Statement

10/4 Ad for female stenographer 21.00

10/4 Violets for new stenographer 101.50

10/6 Week's salary for flow stenographer 145.00

10/9 Roses for stenographer 25.00

10/10 Candy for wife 2.90

10/13 Lunch for stenographer 27.00

10/15 Week's salary for stenographer 190.00

'10/16 Movie tickets for wife and self 15.20

10/18 Theatre tickets for steno and self 96.00

10/19 Ice cream sundae for wife 2.30

10/22 Natalie's salary 175.00

10/23 Champagne and dinner for Natalie end self 232.50

10/25 Doctor for stupid stenographer 675.00

10/26 Mink Stole for wife 14,700.00

Posted January 2, 2011

Two old retired navy chiefs were traveling across country to attend a Navy Reunion and they pull up to a gas station.

Attendant: "How may I help you?"

Old Chief: "Please fill it up."

The other Old Chief: "What did he say?"

Old Chief [yelling]: "He was asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up."

Attendant: "So, where are you heading?"

Old Chief: "To Las Vegas to attend a Navy Reunion."

The other Old Chief: "What did he say?"

Old Chief [yelling]: "He asked where we're going? I told him we're going to a Navy Reunion."

Attendant: "It sure is a nice day for a drive."

Old Chief: "Yes, it's been quite pleasant."

The other Old Chief:: "What did he say?"

Old Chief [yelling: "He said it's good weather."

Attendant: "Where are you coming from?"

Old Chief: "We started our trip from Bandera Texas."

Again the other Old Chief: "What did he say?"

Old Chief {yelling}: "He asked where we're from and I said Texas."

Attendant: "I spent two years in the Navy. The Chief that I worked for was a complete jerk. He sure screwed me over so I didn't make the Navy a career."

Again the other Old Chief: "What did he say?"

Old Chief [yelling}: "He says he thinks he knows you."

Posted December 30, 2010

People say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anybody who rested to death?

Posted December 26, 2010

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee.

"I see you have put 'ASAP' down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put 'AMAP' down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"

The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

Posted December 23, 2010

An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the application form.

He came to this question: "Do you favor the overthrow of the United States government by force, subversion, or violence?"

Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, he checked "Violence."

Posted December 20, 2010

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television.

Posted December 15, 2010

My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked,

"So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

Posted December 12, 2010

The budget-minded woman was always clipping coupons in the young, lean years when she was first married, and even kept detailed records of how much money she saved. One of her first jobs way back then was running the cash register at the local drugstore.

One day, she had a self-conscious young man approach the counter to buy some condoms. She noticed a dollar-off coupon on the box and asked him if he'd like to use it, adding that she and her husband had saved over $400 redeeming coupons last year.

The stunned young man replied, "On these?!"

Posted December 8, 2010

"Always remember," said the businessman to his son, "there are two things that will ensure your success in business."

"What are they?" the son asked.

The businessman replies, "Integrity and wisdom."

"Integrity?" the son asks.

"That's right son. No matter how it may be to your detriment, no matter what your colleagues or the board may say, ALWAYS keep your word once you have given it."

"And wisdom?" the son asks.

The father smiles and winks and says, "Don't be an idiot, NEVER give your word."

Posted December 5, 2010

Holdup man: "Stick 'em up or else."

Victim: "Or else what?"

Holdup man: "Don't confuse me - this is my first job."

Posted December 2, 2010

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

Posted November 28, 2010

A wife and her husband attended a very important business party thrown by her boss.

On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and totally irresistible to all women you are?"

"Why no," said the husband, deeply flattered.

"Then what gave you that stupid idea at the party?!" she yelled.

Posted November 25, 2010

"Don't worry if your job is small, and your rewards are few.  Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you!"

Posted November 22, 2010

A young intern was making a morning visit in the maternity pre-partum ward at the local hospital.

He stopped at the first bed and said: "What is the expected due date for your baby?"

"June 8th." she answered.

He went on to the next bed and repeated his question.

"June 8th." came the reply.

He asked the woman in the next bed the same question.

Again the response was "June 8th."

After getting the same answer seven times in a row, he found the next patient asleep.

He turned to the woman he had just questioned, and asked: "Does Mrs. W. here also expect her baby to be born on June 8th?"

"I don't know," was the reply. "You see, she didn't go to our company's Labor Day picnic."

Posted November 19, 2010

In retrospect, if I'd listened to my boss' constant reminders that there's no "I" in "team," I'd still have my job as a proofreader.

Posted November 14, 2010

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.

I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial. My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

Posted November 11, 2010

"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.

"Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days."

Posted November 6, 2010

One time, I had to tell a candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment. After a minute he asked, "Can you tell me which one showed up?"

Posted November 2, 2010

After landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Heck no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's nine, and the other one's seven. Why the heck would you think they're twins? Are you blind? or stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Posted October 29, 2010

The salesman reported back to his boss after several weeks on the road and said, "All I got was two orders."

"What were they? Anything good?"

"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"

Posted October 28, 2010

Ever wonder what is the fastest thing on earth? An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT.  It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked The second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye...that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB!!!

Posted October 25, 2010

Best 'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies:

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

Posted October 19, 2010

One time, I had to tell a candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment. After a minute he asked, "Can you tell me which one showed up?"

Posted October 16, 2010

A senior nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.

"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you.  The men on this floor are almost well."

Posted October 13, 2010

The resume I sent to get a job as a seat filler at the Oscars included the following "previous experience":

"Sat on my butt and watched the Oscars, 1987-2010,"

"See attached photo of couch with permanent indent of my butt,"

"I regularly stalk celebrities and can sense when they need a bathroom break."

Posted October 10, 2010

I took a job at a bookstore once. The store prided itself on customer service, and one thing we were taught there was not to tell customers, "Have a nice day," after we rang them out, purportedly because it sounded shallow and insincere.

Instead, we were supposed to say, "Enjoy your books."

So one day a woman comes up to my register with a copy of Yellow Silk ("Journal of Erotic Arts"), Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies," and Betty Dodson's "Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving."

I said, "Have a nice day."

Posted October 8, 2010

After giving birth, I quit my job. The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?"

My answer: "Birth control."

Posted October 5, 2010

After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, "I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?"

Posted October 1, 2010

While attending US Army's Airborne School.....

The Day before our first jump, the instructors (known as SGT Airbornes, students are called 'Airborne') demonstrated all the possible malfunctions one might encounter.

After watching a total malfunction, i.e. the parachute fails to deploy, one of the students asked: "SGT Airborne, if we have a complete malfunction, how much time do we have to deploy our reserve parachutes?"

"Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!"

Posted September 26, 2010

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

Posted September 26, 2010

The young woman approached the executive in front of his office and said, "Please sir, give to take a wayward girl off the street."

"And how much do you suggest I give?" he asked.

"It depends," she smiled, "Entirely on how long you want to keep her off of it."

Posted September 20, 2010

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night-time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school.

He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, lieutenant?" I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."

Posted September 17, 2010

A few days after refusing to sleep with her boss, the secretary stormed into his office.

"My salary's been cut in half!" she shrieked."

"That's right," the boss replied, "haven't you ever heard of a withholding tax?"

Posted September 14, 2010

My husband was serving his last few years of military service on active duty with an Army reserve unit. There were three branches of military reserve units at our last duty station. During one month, my husband and his buddy were assigned to take down the flag at the end of the day, which is a very formal affair to watch.

One day my husband and his buddy marched solemnly out to the flag pole and saluted the flag. Then his buddy begin to haul the flag down. After a minute of this and not seeing a flag come down, they both looked up.

The flag had already been taken down.

Posted September 10, 2010

Speaking at the Staff Meeting, a very pert and pretty female engineer named Renee told the male manager of the Division, "I'd like to get some thing off my chest."

"What's that, Renee?"

"Your eyes."

Posted September 7, 2010

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your love life these days?"

Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."

"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.

"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

Posted September 4, 2010

So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign:

"This parking space belongs to the Wizard. Violators will be toad."

Posted September 1, 2010

During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degrees.

"But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees," remarked one of the trainees.

"Don't be stupid," the sergeant roared. "This is a small circle."

Posted August 27, 2010

A traveling salesman went down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast on the second morning of his latest business trip. After being seated by the hostess, he waved off the menu, apparently quite sure of what he hungered for that morning. After all, this was to be a fateful day, as he was close to "clinching the deal" and wanted to head into his client's office with confidence, exuberance, and enthusiasm.

He was full of self-assuredness and greeted the young waitress with a great big smile. "I'll have 2 eggs, please. But I want one of them just about room temperature and the other can be warm but must be runny." The waitress was getting all this down but was wondering where this was going.

"Toast... it doesn't matter what kind, just make sure that it gets cold so that the butter will just sit on it and not melt. Water down my orange juice, too, please... let's say half water and half juice. It really doesn't matter whether you bring any coffee. I usually like 2 or 3 cups in the morning. One won't do so you might as well skip it altogether."

"But, sir," said the waitress, confused, "I don't think our kitchen can put this together the way you like it!"

"Oh, I don't like it that way, but it shouldn't be a problem. That's exactly how you served it yesterday!"

Posted August 24, 2010

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me."

Posted August 18, 2010

Job Interview Tips

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical orpsychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.

Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency,and a concatenated consistency.

Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity,jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade orthrasonical bombast.

Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: "Be brief and don't use big words.

Posted August 15, 2010

Work Rules For All Employees...

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take there vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co- workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week. Management

Posted August 9, 2010

Wanting to be married, a couple came to the county courthouse in Virginia where I work. They accidentally walked up to the offices where hunting licenses are sold. "We're from out-of-state," said the prospective groom. "Can we get a license?" The clerk replied, "No, but I can give you a three-day permit."

Posted August 13, 2010

The company I work for sometimes holds "Lunch and Learn" seminars for employees during lunchtime. These deal with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flyer came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR: WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE? (Get your manager's permission before attending)

Looks like that question's been answered ...

Posted August 4, 2010

A man started a new job. At first he commuted alone, but soon decided to drive in with his colleagues. Within a week, though, his wrists began to hurt severely. Oddly, the pain only occurred while they were driving through a tunnel. Finally, he saw a doctor.

His problem was diagnosed as carpool tunnel syndrome!
 

Posted August 1, 2010

I've been teaching visual arts for a couple of years at a secondary school.  This year, I was asked to teach a drama class, too. When my art students found out I was also teaching drama, they were very surprised. One student said to me, "But, miss, you can't teach drama because you can't act."

"Sure she can act," another student said. "She acts as if she likes you every day!"

Posted July 29, 2010

Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.

It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public.

Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me.

"Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."

Posted July 22, 2010

Proper Job Placement

Methods from Human Resources...

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.

4. Then analyze the situation.

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, run them for a high political office.

Posted July 18, 2010

After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz, our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the manager, Ahmed.

"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who answered the phone.

"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."

"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"

"I thought you just said your name was Ed." asked my boss.

"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying, 'I'm Ed,' so I figured it's just easier to be Ed!"

Posted July 14, 2010

Running late for a job interview at a large men's fashion company, I grabbed a white dress shirt that I didn't have time to iron. The interview went well -- until the end.

"Just a word of advice," said my interviewer.

"You might want to iron your shirt before your next job interview."

I held up the back of my shirt collar, revealing the tag. On it was the name of that very clothing company and the words "wrinkle-free."

I got the job.

Posted July 11, 2010

An interviewer says, "Tell me your choice. I can either ask you ten easy questions or one very difficult question. Think hard before you make up your mind."

"Ummm, I'd like one very difficult question."

"You have made your own choice. Good luck to you. Tell me which comes first: day or night?"

"The day, sir."

"And how did you reach that conclusion?"

"Sorry, sir. I can't answer that. I said I would only answer one difficult question."

Posted July 8, 2010

IF CORPORATE AMERICA WENT TO THE DOGS

It's perfectly acceptable for your coworkers to go through your trash.

Petting of subordinates is permitted.

All discipline is issued with a rolled-up newspaper.

Accounting figures are adjusted by a factor of seven.

All employees must wash hands when coming in from the backyard.

Snacks at official company meetings include donuts, coffee, and meat byproducts.

Employees circle their desks three times before sitting down.

Posted July 5, 2010

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

Posted July 2, 2010

A doctor had just hired a new secretary.

Having trouble with the doctor¹s notes on an emergency case which read,"Shot in the lumbar region," the poor girl was flustered and at her wit's end.

At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened up as she typed up the record, "Wounded in the woods."

Posted June 16, 2010

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10. sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older person friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him in the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes. I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Arm Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, "Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, Sir?"

Posted June 13, 2010

Walter arrived at his office late one morning and was greeted with giggles from the receptionist.

"What are you laughing at?" asked Walter.

"There's a big black smudge on your face," said the girl.

"Oh, that!" said Walter. "That's easy to explain. I saw my wife off on a month's vacation this morning. I took her to the station and kissed her goodbye."

"But what about the smudge?"

"As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine!"

Posted June 9, 2010

Steve was looking for a job and heard that their was an opening for a janitor at the local church.

He applied for the job and the interview went very well. "You have the job," he was told, "just sign this paper."

Steve made a big "X" on the paper. "What's that?" he was asked.

"That's my mark."

"You're supposed to sign your name."

"That's my mark," Steve replied, "I cannot read or write."

"What? We're sorry, but to work here you have to be able to sign your name."

Well, Steve finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat.

He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.

One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity.

The mayor says, "Steve, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form."

Sven made a big "X" on the paper.

"What's that?" he was asked."That's my mark."

"Your mark?" The mayor asked.

"Aye, I cannot read or write, so that's my mark."

"You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?" The mayor exclaimed. "Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!"

"Yes," Steve said. "I could have been a church janitor."

Posted June 3, 2010

Upon retiring from the service, my husband, Don, needed a new ID card showing he had gone from active duty to retirement status. But the photo taken of him was not particularly good and he wasn't at all quiet about it.

"If I have to carry that ID around with me for the rest of my life," he complained to the photographer, "I want a better picture."

"Want a better picture?" asked the photographer defiantly. "Then bring us a better face!"

Posted June 1, 2010

I guess some things will never change. I recently hired a temp to fill in while my secretary was off for six months on maternity leave.  Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked her what she expected to earn.

The temp replied, "Well ... the minimum I could possibly work for is four hundred a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.

The temp shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."