Job Jokes Blog, cont.

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Posted May 28, 2010

When I overheard one of my cashiers tell a customer, "We haven't had it for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting it soon," I quickly assured the customer that we would have whatever it was she wanted by next week. After she left, I read the cashier the riot act.

"Never tell the customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week," I instructed her. "Now, what did she want?"

"Rain."

Posted May 26, 2010

My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume', which she planned to submit to a local fast-food restaurant. I agreed.

A few days later she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview, and she told me to bring my references."

Posted May 20, 2010

The Saga of Management Reviews of Reports

Question: How many feet do mice have?

Original Reply: Mice have four feet.

Mgmt comment: Elaborate.

Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, four of which are feet.

Mgmt comment: No discussion of fifth appendage.

Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail.

Mgmt comment: What? Feet with no legs?

Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per mouse.

Mgmt comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?

Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.

Mgmt comment: Does not fully discuss the issue.

Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.

Mgmt comment: Descriptive but not decisive.

Revision 6: Allotment for mice will be: FOUR LEG-FOOT ASSEMBLIES, ONE TAIL.  Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scare appendage assets.

Mgmt comment: Too authoritative, stifles creativity.

Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non functional and ornamental in nature.

Mgmt comment: Too verbose and scientific. Answer the question.

Final Revision: Mice have four feet.

Mgmt comment: Approved.

Posted May 18, 2010

Some times it's difficult for disabled people to find jobs, so I was happy to hear from Terry, a paraplegic who used a manual wheelchair, that he had a job. Terry said he worked in a strip club, taking back the clothes after the women had left the stage. I asked him what the money was like.

'Twenty bucks a week,' he told me.

'That's not much,' was my comment.

'That's all I could afford!' he replied.

Posted May 12, 2010

A young office worker asked, "Boss, what is fate?"

"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."

"And that, Boss, is fate?"

"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."

Posted May 9, 2010

A man started a new job. At first he commuted alone, but soon decided to drive in with his colleagues.

Within a week, though, his wrists began to hurt severely. Oddly, the pain only occurred while they were driving through a tunnel. Finally, he saw a doctor.

His problem was diagnosed as carpool tunnel syndrome!

Posted May 7, 2010

On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so that it can be viewed from both sides. This procedure makes it available to larger crowds at popular movies, but usually the junior officers get a reverse image from 'the wrong side of the screen.'

One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the following word over the officers' IMC circuit: "The movie to be shown in the wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side of the screen - The Right-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."

"For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The Left-Handed Gun, starring Namwen Luap."

Posted May 2, 2010

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.

A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.

The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"

The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."

The sailor said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."

With that the cook grinned, leaned over, and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
 

Posted April 29, 2010

While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.

One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.

"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."

Posted April 26, 2010

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet-cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my cornbread go?" he shouted.

Posted April 22, 2010

An laid-off worker was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."

"Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the ex-employee.

"Do you want to write your will?"

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."

Posted April 18, 2010

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates."

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

Posted April 15, 2010

Max the plumber was summoned to a mansion to fix a leak and, discovering a very pretty maid there, he lost no time trying to combine business with pleasure. The girl refused on the grounds that her mistress was home, and she didn't want to be discovered and fired. After several refusals, Max finished the job and returned to his shop. The very next morning, his phone rang and his caller was the maid. In very dulcet tones, she informed him that her mistress was out. She asked if he wanted to come over and see her.

"What!" yelled Max. "On my own time?"

Posted April 12, 2010

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing the road.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross."

Posted April 9, 2010

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.

"About $4,500." said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"

Posted April 2, 2010

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a large dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!"

Posted April 2, 2010

Wondering why my niece was returning to college to get a master's in philosophy, I asked, "What can you do with a degree like that?"

"Well," she explained, "it will qualify me to deal with questions like, "What is existence?" "What is the essence of things?" and "Do you want fries with that?"

Posted March 29, 2010

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.

"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

Posted March 24, 2010

Employees are counseled by our benefits department in their choice of the various options regarding the benefits available to them (medical, dental, vision coverage, life insurance, etc.). I had just spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our new employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided on $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question. "Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect the money?"

Posted March 20, 2010

On my birthday, I arrived at the doctor's office where I work as a receptionist to find a mystery man pacing up and down holding a package. As I got out of the car, he declared warmly, "I have something for you." I excitedly ripped open the bundle. It was a urine sample.

Posted March 19, 2010

These are real examples from real resumes:

*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*

- Responsibility makes me nervous.

- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.  Couldn't work under those conditions.

- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

*Job Responsibilities*

- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

*Special Requests and Job Objectives*

- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

*Physical Disabilities*

- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

*Personal Interests*

- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*

- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

- I'm a rabid typist.

- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Posted March 11, 2010

New officers at a military installation were being trained on a special computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.

Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."

The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"

"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

Posted March 9, 2010

Having just completed my training as the hospital's switchboard operator, I was reasonably confident that I knew all the codes for emergencies:

Code Blue for cardiac arrest, Code Red for fire, etc.

My first night on the job alone, however, a nurse phoned and asked me to page a "Code Brown, Room 214."

I had no idea what that was. I called the page, then searched frantically through my emergency manual, but I couldn't find any description of it anywhere.

Stumped, I finally called the nurse back and asked her about it.

"Relax," laughed the nurse. "Code Brown is what we page when a patient is discharged and leaves behind an unfinished box ofchocolates!"

Posted March 5, 2010

Fitness center applicants at my hospital are queried about their medical problems. One man wrote "None" on the application form where it asked whether he had any cardiac problems. When a huge surgical scar was noticed on his chest, he was asked, "What is that from?" "I used to have problems with my heart, but it was replaced last year," the man answered calmly.

Posted March 3, 2010

While working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"

Posted February 26, 2010

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Posted February 24, 2010

Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.

One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.

That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"

Posted February 19, 2010

My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One day my husband told our three boys that to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs for them.

They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: "When are the interviews?"

Posted February 16, 2010

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway and says to him. . .

"Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Ohhhh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head.....

"I would have phoned."
 

Posted February 12, 2010

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Posted February 9, 2010

While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's emergency room, I was required to introduce myself by my rank and full name. I usually refer to myself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day I rushed into a patient's room, and blurted, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne."

"Hi," the patient responded. "I'm in some pain too."

Posted February 4, 2010

"Always remember," said the businessman to his son, "there are two things that will ensure your success in business."

"What are they?" the son asked.

The businessman replies, "Integrity and wisdom."

"Integrity?" the son asks.

"That's right son. No matter how it may be to your detriment, no matter what your colleagues or the board may say, ALWAYS keep your word once you have given it."

"And wisdom?" the son asks.

The father smiles and winks and says, "Don't be a fool, NEVER give your word."

Posted February 1, 2010

One-liners:

Sign found in a office: Maybe you don't have to be crazy just to work here, but it helps!

A guy who worked in a gum factory fell in a vat of bubblegum, and his boss had to chew him out.

Posted January 28, 2010

Customer service reps repeat the same tired phrases so often that we can do the job in our sleep. We hear a beep telling us a customer's on the line, and we're on. I never knew how this humdrum routine affected us until a co-worker had heart surgery. She was coming to, following her operation, when she heard the beep of the heart monitor. In her anesthetized stupor, she groggily said, "This is Sue. Can I help you?"

Posted January 25, 2010

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on the American Male's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.

3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Posted January 21, 2010

You know you work in Corporate America in 2010 if...

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

You worked for the same company for 4 years and sat at more than 10 different desks.

You've been in the same job for 4 years and have had 10 different managers.

You order your business cards in "half orders"instead of whole boxes.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you can't explain it in one sentence.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You use acronyms in your sentences.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

The word "opportunity" makes you shiver in fear.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

Art involves a white board.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only.

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you're freed up".

You read this entire list and understood it.

Posted January 14, 2010

Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.

After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.

"You say you have experience selling books?"

"Lots of it," replies Jim.

"And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?"

"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."

"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm."

While the sales manager is making a few notations Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.

Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says,"Fine looking men. Your partners?"

Posted January 10, 2010

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Office Desk...

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

Posted January 3, 2010

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.  I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.  My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)

She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

Posted December 29, 2009

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.

We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"

My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."

Posted December 17, 2009

The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."

His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?

Posted December 14, 2009

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available. The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"

The first 2nd Looey thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir, I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging..."

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and..."

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate. Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First  Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

Posted December 10, 2009

"Corporate Lesson Number One"

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a sly fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

"Corporate Lesson Number Two"

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

"Corporate Lesson Number Three"

Once upon a time there was non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and dropped some dung on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warned him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. Following the sound, the cat discovered the sparrow under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

1) Not everyone who drops dung on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of dung is your friend.

3) And when you're in deep dung, keep your mouth shut.

"Corporate Summary"

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,all on different limbs at different levels, someclimbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling... The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces...The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but.... well, you get the idea!

Posted December 7, 2009

YOU might be a school employee if....

...you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick

...you want to slap the next person who says,

"Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off

...it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered

...you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow, hail....anything!!! Without ever looking outside

...you believe, "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on a report card

...you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

...when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior

...you have no social life between August and June

...you think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce

...you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce

...you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

...you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the UHAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district

...you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form

...you can't imaging how the ACLU could think that covering your students chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public

...meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

...you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons... and desks and chairs for that matter!!!

...the words "I have college debt for this?" has ever come out of your mouth.

Posted December 1, 2009

Talking was difficult during the three weeks I had laryngitis. My co-workers were greatly amused, especially one who was helping me with a project.

One day he stopped by to say he was on his way out. "If you need anything before I leave," he said with a smirk, "squeak up!"

Posted November 28, 2009

In an employment ad for salespeople in the Detroit NEWS AND FREE PRESS: "Special advisers on hand to assist you with informing your loved ones that you are going into auto sales."

Posted November 25, 2009

Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.

So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job.

"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

Posted November 14, 2009

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

Posted November 10, 2009

Rick, fresh out of engineering school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked him various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Posted November 5, 2009

In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature. The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat."

Thinking this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah, right! So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?"

Posted November 2, 2009

The Maid asked for a raise.  The Madam was very upset about this and asked:  "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "The Master said so."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

Maria: "The Master did."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"

Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!

Posted October 29, 2009

Fred was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad. The chief engineer was conducting the interview.

"What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?"

Fred quickly answered, "Well, I'd call my brother."

The chief engineer just sat there for a second. "Why would you call your brother?"

"He's never seen a train wreck before."